Skyrim LOL
by TheMoonclaw
Summary: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. A collection of humorous scenes in the adventures of the Dragonborn. More information inside.
1. The Dragonborn Comes

**Hey Elederscrolls fandom! Beware, The Moonclaw is here with another one of her humor fics. If you've been following my stuff, you know the drill.**

**If not, then the explanation is simple; my brother and I play video games and we tend to make up jokes while playing. This leads me to write them down into these little collections I call "LOL's". This is meant to be a funny take on scenes throughout games, so please don't take offense. **

**We're really obsessed with Skyrim right now and I've been meaning to get some of these shorts up.**

**There isn't any order to these, and expect spoilers.**

**I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"Our hero, our hero, claims a warrior's heart,"

The Dark Elf bard at this tavern had a descent voice, unlike so many of the bards around the world and the Dragonborn sighed in relief. Coming into these places bad enough when every person and their _dog_ wanted to give you a quest; it was worse when the stupid signer couldn't hold a tune.

"I tell you, I tell you, the Dragonborn comes,"

He perked up and quickly looked around for said bard, needing to find her right away.

"With a voice wielding power, of the ancient Nord art,"

The Dragonborn ran up to her, eyes wide and a smile on his face.

"Believe, believe, the Dragonborn comes,"

He pointed at himself, "That's me!"

***Ego level up, level 45***

This was definitely his favorite place so far in the world.

* * *

**My brother made the bard in Windhelm sing "The Dragonborn Comes" so he could hear it, and while she was singing I ran up to the TV and put my hand across the top, saying "Ego level up"**

**And this chapter was born...**


	2. Wait, I know you

"Wait," the guard said, pausing to stare. "I know you."

The Dragonborn ran by him at full speed, shouting; "No you don't!"

He ducked around a house and sighed, waiting impatiently for Lydia to catch up. She gave him a look.

"You've been dodging the guards for weeks now," she complained.

The Dragonborn scowled at her, "So, I accidently stole a wooden plate when I thought I could just take it!"

Lydia sighed, "So pay your bounty!"

He glared at her, "I am not paying,"

"It's two septims."

"So?"

She rolled her eyes and the Dragonborn frowned, "Stop rolling your eyes at me," He pulled out a Whiterun guard's helmet and shoved it into her hands. "Wear this,"

Lydia heaved a sigh, "Fine."

She secured it on her head and he grinned, "Great! I can't see your ugly face anymore, perfect."

"I suppose this isn't stolen?" Lydia commented sarcastically.

The Dragonborn shrugged, "There's a reason I don't want to pay my bounty…"

* * *

"Wait, I know you."

The Dragonborn tried to run by the guard, but an annoying townsperson had chosen that moment to stand in his way.

"No, no you don't," he said hastily.

The guard put his hands on his hips, "There's no mistake. I think you're that thief that's been taking baskets and plates around town."

The Dragonborn feigned surprise and gestured to himself, "Me? No, I would never!"

"It's time to pay up," the guard said sternly.

"Look, if I was that thief, would I keep coming back to Whiterun? That seems really stupid."

The guard appeared to think about this and then nodded slowly, "I suppose your right. Only an idiot would do that. Stay out of trouble kinsman."

He walked off and the Dragonborn made sure he was out of sight before wheeling around to Lydia.

"We should leave town for a while."

She scoffed.

* * *

**My brother had a bounty in Whiterun forever. It was something like 25 dollars. Whenever the guards would say, "Wait, I know you." he'd just run by them. It become a joke to see how long he could keep it going. Finally he just bought them off with his status of Thane because he got sick of it.**

**Also, when we still traveled with Lydia before swapping her out, we always dressed her in the weirdest things...full guard attire, a black mage robe with a Dragon priest mask (A sith lord look,) and the Forsworn headdress with pretty much anything else.**

**We were mean.**


	3. For ailments both common and rare

**Another installment! I'm uploading two again, though usually it will be one at a time, with no set time for updating; just whenever I get to them.**

* * *

The Dragonborn couldn't wait to finish furnishing Breezehome so that he would have his own Alchemy laboratory. As it stood now, he still had to pay Arcadia's shop a visit to use hers.

But she never shut up while he was trying to work.

The Dragonborn entered and braced himself for the inevitable onslaught of useless information and shameless shilling for her wares.

Arcadia greeted him with something new; "I'm glad we're friends. Here, have this."

She handed him an iron mace.

The Dragonborn stared at it, bewildered.

"Um." he said, blinking. "Thanks?"

Arcadia wandered back to her counter, "Browse to your heart's content."

The Dragonborn stared another moment at the iron mace and then shrugged, deciding not to worry about why she thought they were friends or why she was randomly giving him weapons.

* * *

**This totally happened to my brother. He walks in and Arcadia walks up and hands him an iron mace randomly. The most confusing part was...why an iron mace?**


	4. An honorary title mostly

The city of Solitude was lovely.

The people were just as annoying as everywhere else in Skyrim, but the Dragonborn wasn't bothered by it. They all needed him, after all. Even if they didn't know it yet.

"And you are?" he asked one of the other court members in the Blue Palace. He was trying to figure out who everyone was and why he should care.

The last member was a man sitting in the throne room munching on bread, which the Dragonborn thought was odd behavior, considering.

"I'm Erikur. I'm a Thane. In the future, you may want to gain that information before talking with someone. Risk of looking like an idiot, and all that."

The Dragonborn had already run into Erikur's sister in the town and she'd had been delightfully sarcastic. And apparently spot on with her assessment of her brother.

"The court can't do without me," the man bragged.

The Dragonborn glanced at the other Thane, who rolled her eyes, then to Falk who shrugged helplessly, and then back to Erikur.

"…You're eating a piece of bread," he pointed out dryly.

Erikur nodded, "Indeed. Obviously you understand how important I must be."

"Sure, whatever." The Dragonborn replied, deciding to be nice for the time being and end the conversation.

* * *

**Again, this happened. Erikur says; "The court can't do without me," while he's eating bread and brother and I just start cracking up. Right, whatever you say...**


	5. Use Nature's gifts wisely

The Dragonborn sliced through the nearest root of the Eldergleam tree and watched in fascination as the root curled backwards, providing them a pathway.

Behind him, he heard his unwanted companion gasp in horror. The Dragonborn sighed, rolled his eyes and glanced over his shoulder, "What now?"

Maurice looked shocked; "I had no idea you were a man of violence!"

The Dragonborn made a face and glanced down at his heavy armor and sword strapped to his side. "Really, you hadn't any ideas?"

The man was already continuing as if he hadn't spoken; "Yes, I can't believe it! I had no idea your plans were to do this when I was standing right next to you eavesdropping as you spoke to Danica Pure-Spring. The horror!"

The Dragonborn sighed, "Look, I didn't want to you to come, you invited yourself. You are welcome to leave at any time and let me hack and slash my way through the magic tree to get the magic sap…or…whatever…"

Maurice stomped a foot, "You would violate this marvel of Kynareth's glory?"

"To complete a quest, yes," the Dragonborn said. "Do you have a better idea?"

He knew the moment he said it he was going to regret the comment. The mouthy worshipper would undoubtedly have some idea.

But maybe this way he could keep the Nettlebane for his collection…

* * *

**Author's Note: Maurice did that thing that NPCs sometimes do where they walk and nudge someone during a conversation. He barged right into the conversation between Danica and my brother and was standing right there when they went over the plan for the Eldergleam. It made his comments completely stupid sounding later... **

**PS: "Danica Pure-Spring" sounds like a stripper name...just saying...**


	6. There's a house available right now!

Snow was falling again over the plains outside the city, and every foot fall made a crunching noise.

"So," the Dragonborn said out of the blue. "The recent murders in Windhelm got me thinking…"

Lydia stared at his expectantly, waiting to hear if he had come up with an explanation or perhaps a suspect.

"There's probably some vacant houses to buy!"

She groaned and rolled her eyes.

* * *

**Author's Note: I literally did this to my brother.**

**Me: "So, I was thinking about the murders in Windhelm..."**

**Brother: "Yeah?"**

**Me: "There's probably some vacant houses you can buy!"**

**Brother: "...Seriously?"**

**And, I happened to be correct...**


	7. Fancy yourself an Alchemist, eh?

Jordis could not believe the sheer amount of _stuff_ she had been carrying around for the Dragonborn. She's long since given up trying to figure out why he had hundreds of linen wraps, or so many copies of the _Explorer's Guide to Skyrim_.

He did, and he was her Thane and she thought he was kind of cute anyway.

Though she was a little concerned with the hording behavior…

Having put the last of the daggers away in the end table specifically for daggers, she decided she should find said Dragonborn and Thane of eight out of nine holds. He had said he was going to work on Alchemy…

She opened the door and stopped, gasping at what she saw.

The Dragonborn was sprawled out on the floor in front of the Alchemy table, alternating between choking and gasping.

"Divines! What is wrong?"

He held up an empty bottle covered in Dwemer writing, wheezing out; "I…ate it…to learn it's properties,"

Jordis just blinked at his explanation and he winced, "Turns out, it's…poison,"

The Dragonborn flopped back onto the floor and she hurried over, not even sure what to do in this instance.

He chuckled weakly, "But hey, look! I…raised my…Alchemy…skill slightly!"

Jordis slapped a hand to her forehead.

* * *

**I believe I have mentioned these wouldn't be in any semblance of order?**

**Yes, my brother upgraded to Jordis as a follower as soon as we could.**

**I happen to love how you can "raise the skill slightly"...really?**

**And, my brother accidently ate dwemer oil and it DID poison him. Ha...**


	8. Instead their gods of reason and logic

"Jordis," the Dragonborn whispered, shaking his wife awake.

She sighed, "What?"

"I know what happened to the Dwemer!" he whispered excitedly and loudly.

Jordis didn't bother even opening her eyes. "That's nice honey."

"No, I'm serious!"

"Alright, what happened to the Dwemer?" she asked.

The Dragonborn took a deep breath, "They left to become Santa's elves!"

There was a pause.

Jordis reached over and pat his arm, eyes still closed. "Of course."

He frowned, not sure if she was taking him seriously or not. Still whispering, he continued; "I'm going to tell Arniel."

Jordis shook her head, "You can't. He made himself vanish, remember?"

"Oh….right." the Dragonborn whispered disappointedly. "Well…I'm going to tell Calcelmo,"

Jordis disagreed again; "No, you're not. He's a High Elf. They make you angry."

"Oh…right." The Dragonborn conceded. "They do…"

There was another pause.

Jordis rolled back over, "I'm going back to bed."

He sighed and whispered loudly, "Fine, but I know I'm right!"

All was quiet for a moment and just as they started to drift back to sleep, something snapped them both awake.

"There once was a hero named Ragnar the Red, who came riding to Whiterun from ole Rorikstead!"

"I hate that damn bard…" the Dragonborn said, glaring at the doorway.

* * *

**Merry Christmas!**


	9. What you learn here will last you a life

**Been a few days since I updated; I've been working on other projects.**

**Someone I know just started playing Skyrim, and she wanted to be a mage, so went and did the College of Winterhold questline first. I decided to write a "college" based chapter tonight!**

* * *

The Dragonborn had been expecting more when he ventured out to finally visit the college of Winterhold, but then again, he'd been unimpressed with the bard's college in Solitude, as well.

Maybe he just wasn't a 'college' guy…

The Altmer woman who had stopped him on the bridge was now leading him onward to meet with the rest of the staff and students and hopefully get out of the slight blizzard that had cropped up.

As they moved along the bridge, Faralda glanced over her shoulder, "By the way, what is your name?"

"Um…" the Dragonborn paused, not sure what to tell her. What was a name he hadn't used yet? "…Harry, the…Potter."

She nodded, apparently believing his word was true.

They stepped along a thin stretch of the bridge where the majority of it had crumbled into the water below.

"Um…" "Harry the Potter" said, pointing at the bridge. "You might want to get that fixed,"

"Tuition is free!" Faralda informed him happily.

He blinked, "Ah, I see…"

"Now come, Harry the Potter, Mirabelle will show you around the campus,"

The Dragonborn suppressed a groan. The only reason he came here was to learn to blow things up. Hopefully that would be his first lesson, or he was out of here.

* * *

**I'll have an on-going joke that the Dragonborn gives out fake names in every hold. Mostly because I couldn't decide what to call him in this set of stories...**

**That bridge makes me laugh...the only reason they haven't fixed it must be because tuition is free, right? (They HAVE magic...geez...)**

**Also, my brother groaned when Mirabelle was making him take the tour and said; "I skipped this when I went to real college, why can't I skip it at this virtual college!?"**


	10. Skyrim belongs to the Nords!

Clearing bandit hideouts were easier if done stealthily, using a bow to carefully pick off each bandit until none remained.

But Lydia was about as subtle as a mammoth, and was worthless when it came to sneaking.

She had rushed into the hideout screaming that 'Skyrim belongs to the Nords' despite the fact that they were probably all Nords inside.

The Dragonborn sighed as he fought another bandit, taking a few hits that he wouldn't have had too if they had done this his way.

Just as the bandit went down, the Deagonborn felt a shock as if he'd just been hit by a thunder spell. But that should have been the last bandit…

Another hit and he winced, hearing Lydia mutter something behind him. Suddenly it all made since.

He turned, "Ow! Lydia!"

She just stared at him, still in a battle stance, a staff clutched in both hands.

He strode up to her and grabbed both out of her hands, "No,"

"But-"

"No!" he snapped, glaring at her. "Where did you even get staves? If you're going to be dual wielding them and hitting me, you're not allowed to keep them."

She scowled at him, "You gave them to me to carry!"

"I didn't think you'd use them!" he retorted. "You're a warrior. You're supposed to swing your sword left and right and run around like a crazy person, not waste the enchantments on these staves and miss your targets on top of it."

Lydia crossed her arms, looking put out, but the Dragonborn was just distracted.

"Great, now I'm overburdened!" he complained, storing the staves away. "Well, we're walking back, I hope you're happy Lydia,"

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**"Skyrim belongs to the Nords!" Thanks Lydia for the update...**

**We learned the hard way not to allow followers to take the staves...they use them, and that's not a good thing. Once Lydia used an Ice staff on an Ice Wraith...yup. **

**I can't remember if I've mentioned before in my A/N that I have started my own game on Skyrim...so much fun...but so addictive... **


	11. Load Screen

*Insert fog effect here*

* * *

**"Combat based magic only improves when you shoot it at other people."**

* * *

**"A successful Power Attack is awesome."**

* * *

**"While sneaking, if the eye is partial open, you're not doing it right."**

* * *

It's a load screen. It's part of the game, right? So why not my fic, too?

These are "Dragonborn" tips which is basically me being a smart-ass during load screens while my brother is playing. I'll be posting these in between chapters occasionally; probably after every ten chapters.

And hey, 10 chapters already! I'll be working on more soon. Thanks for reading and for the faves and follows. Glad to be making some people laugh and it's always fun to talk Skyrim.

Until next time!


	12. UndeadI don't think it needs to be said

**This chapter was written by my brother! Every so often he decides to write an LOL chapter for one of my collections so I upload it for him.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"Hello, you may remember me as the Dovakiih AKA the Dragonborn, and today I am here to talk to you about an issue that is near and dear to my heart . . . . Necromancy."

"I know that we have all lost love ones to the dangers of Skyrim . . . . by varied and dreadful means including, but not limited to: Skeever Attack, Bear Attack, Spike Traps, Frostbite Spider Venom, Skooma Addiction, Blood Loss due to Vampire Feeding, Falling off Mountains, Exploring Dwemer Ruins, Poison Dart Traps, Drowning, Schools of Slaughterfish Swarms, Falmer Attack, Bandit Raid, Dragon Attack, Thalmor Interrogation, and the most deadly of things in Skyrim: Arrows to the Knee, and saying goodbye can be a very difficult thing for some people."

"Those of us with magical talents may feel like there should be a magical way to bring our fallen loved ones back to life, but the results of such magic can be quite deadly and never turn out the way you would expect."

"In my vast travels across the land of Skyrim I have come across dozens of failed attempts at necromancy. From the Necromancers who attempted to resurrect the Wolf Queen who were expecting their power to be adequate to control her only to pay for their arrogance with their lives, to the pervert who was making ghost sex slaves on an island in the north, to the butthole mage who keeps showing up in clear view of my Falkreeth's home balcony who gets an arrow to the head for messing up my view of the lake, necromancy almost always leads to certain death."

"So before you start worshiping Daedra, carrying around human hearts, and raising random skeletons to do your bidding think about the consequences. Don't do necromancy, you'll be glad you didn't"

Fus Ro Dah  
The More You Know

* * *

**I hope everyone has seen those "the more you know" commercials...**

**Also, apologies for not replying to reviews; I haven't been on the web much lately. I'm hoping to have some more chapters ready to post later this week.**

**I've also been playing my own Skyrim game a lot...who knows...a few of these chapters might feature my character at some point...**

**Thanks for reading!**


	13. Behold the future! Behold the Thalmor

**So, wouldn't let me log in for the last couple of days. Annoying.**

**BUT, that means there's 2 chapters of Skyrim LOL!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

The Dragonborn took the glass jar from Jordis's hands carefully, eyeing the bee inside to make sure it was still alive.

Jordis was frowning. "Remind me again why we're haunting down these bugs in a jar?"

He sighed, slightly annoyed she wasn't tracking the importance of their latest mission.

"Because," he explained, walking over to the shelf with the other two jars; a butterfly and a lightbug. "These bugs in a jar are part of a larger, sinister and devastating plot to destroy the world."

"Ah, yes, the 'bugpocalypse' you mentioned a few days ago," she replied.

The Dragonborn nodded, "Exactly."

He tried to tilt the jar into an open slot on the bookcase, but it was harder then it looked.

"…How are these bringing about the end of the world anyway?" Jordis asked, not offering to help him in any way.

He struggled with the jar some more, "Well, something about the runes on the lids and summoning or time travel or destroying an entire race involving towers or…something. And the Thalmor."

"The Thalmor?" Jordis sighed, crossing her arms. "Why is it always the Thalmor?"

"Because _it is_ always the Thalmor!" he declared, stepping back to observe his handy work. "Stupid High Elves…"

The jar fell off the shelf and clattered to the floor.

The Dragonborn sighed. "Damn it..."

"And we are collecting these apparently dangerous artifacts because….?" She promoted.

He picked up the jar and fussed with it against the shelf some more, cheerfully answering; "Because, where is safer to keep them in one of my museums?"

"The museums you have unlocked and open to the public," Jordis commented.

The Dragonborn frowned over his shoulder, "Stop raining on my parade with your logic and stuff…"

The jar finally slid into the spot and stayed even after her removed his hands.

"Aha!" he exclaimed, proudly staring at his handiwork. He wasn't sure how the bugs stayed alive, though…

"So, where's the next one?" Jordis asked.

He shrugged, "I don't know, I think the Orc's have one…but first, I have to check on the masks upstairs. They never stay in their display case…"

* * *

**Seriously, has everyone heard these theories about the bugs in a jar?**

**My brother is collecting them...I will be too in my game. Their one of a kind items! We must have them!**

**And yes, because my brother has all the homes in Skyrim, and really only needs ONE as a HOUSE, he is turning the others into museums. So, that means there's stuff displayed and lots of bookshelves and weapons racks and the dragon priest masks in a display case...but they never stay put...**


	14. Now that's some fine armor

Windhelm was always creepy at night.

Or all the time, but especially at night.

The Dragonborn didn't understand why the merchants in the market left their goods out all night. Even if he wasn't a part of the Thieves Guild, or a generally ambiguous when it came to morals, he'd find it hard to resist taking something.

They had a guard watching, but still…

He crept around the market stalls in a sneaking position and stopped at the stand that held some armor and weapons. Everything was just lying around. Even if it wasn't in threat of being stolen, surely being out in the elements wasn't good for it either.

With a quick look at the guard, who was staring right at him but wasn't saying or doing anything, he reached out and took a shield.

The guard just stood there.

The Dragonborn grinned and stood, looking over his new shield. It wasn't that good, and he would probably never use it anyway, but now it was his.

As he walked out of the market, the guard glanced over. "Aye, now that's some fine armor. Good old fashioned steel!"

The Dragonborn just stared at him and then laughed. "Yes, it sure is…and it's all mine…"

* * *

**So, this actually happened. My brother stole a piece of armor right in a front of a guard, didn't get caught, and then the guard says; "Aye, now that's some fine armor!"**

**Dude. Seriously?**


	15. Blessings of Mara upon you

**I had meant to upload this for Valentine's Day, but...that didn't happen. All well!**

**It's an extra long chapter, so enjoy. There's a few...implied inappropriate jokes, but really, nothing serious and we've all played this game, so...**

* * *

It was that stupid holiday again.

Mara Day.

The Dragonborn personally didn't get what the point of it was, but that apparently didn't matter.

He had left Jordis at home for the day, stating that she needed a break and he had just had to go run a few errands that wouldn't take long. She wasn't stupid and gave him that look, only muttering a normal sounding; "As you will,".

She knew something was up, but he hadn't exactly lied. He did have errands to run; there was a bounty to be collected from killing a bandit leader, there was a book he couldn't be bothered to remember the name of to be given to the Orc in the College, and he was supposed to take some stolen goods back to the Thieves Guild.

Hopefully, while on these missions he would be able to find Jordis a gift for this "holiday".

* * *

"Hey Jorleif!" the Dragonborn greeted, swiping a few plates and goblets off the table as he went. "And Galmar, and Ulfric."

Galmar scowled, "Oh, look. The Dragonborn is here."

"I defeated that thing you sent me to go kill." The Dragonborn announced. "I…can't remember what it was, because I have six other bounties going right now."

Jorleif nodded, "I see. Regardless, you've done us a great service. Here's your reward."

"…Great, a hundred Septims. Thanks." he muttered sarcastically. He stuffed another piece of bread into his belongings.

"Do you have to do that every time you're here?" Ulfric asked, gesturing to the now messed up table behind them.

He frowned, "There's no way you guys are going to eat all of it."

Jorleif rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything. Galmar scoffed, "You made him a Thane,"

"Say," the Dragonborn interrupted, knowing they really _were_ glad to see him. Who wouldn't be, after all? "Did you guys know it's Mara Day today?"

"…Is that the fake holiday that the temple of Mara came up with to try and get money out of people?" Ulfric asked.

"Yes. And Belathor."

"Who?"

"Never mind. It's always Belathor. I'm pretty sure he's involved in some shady slave trading…he's always offering to buy relatives of mine." The Dragonborn said with a shrug.

The other three men exchanged a worried glance.

"Right," Jorleif said.

Galmar held up a fist, looking heroic, "You do not need a holiday to win the affections of a woman,"

The Dragonborn gave him a look, "Is that right?"

"Yes, nor do you need gifts. I shall tell you all you need to know."

Jorleif sighed looking away as if he had heard it before. Ulfric just groaned and put his head in his hands.

"First, you need a bear pelt, like my helmet,"

"Naturally," the Dragonborn said, nodding.

Galmar continued as if he hadn't of spoken. "Then, you need candles."

"…Okay,"

"Next, you must remove everything expect the bear pelt from your head."

Somehow, he suspected this wasn't going to end well.

"Now, with the bear on your head, you must make sweet, sweet love to-"

The Dragonborn clamped hands over his ears, "Oh! Ew! My poor, poor mind!"

Galmar gave him a weird look, "I'm only-"

"Stop talking!"

* * *

"Here's that thing, the other thing, and this thing and…um…oh! Yes, I did that other thing at the place with the stuff." The Dragonborn announced, laying everything on the table.

Vex raised an eyebrow, "That was two months ago,"

"I told you I would get to it, and I did. Never you mind the time it took me. I was busy elsewhere." he complained.

Delvin nodded, "You're a natural,"

"You keep saying that," he muttered. "Oh, hey, by the way. Today is Mara Day….I need ideas of gifts to get my wife. Thoughts?"

Delvin glared at Vex, "Apparently not."

She crossed her arms, "I'm not talking about this with you."

"Um, guys?" the Dragonborn said, gesturing to himself. "Most important person, right here, needs advice. Thanks."

"Women love jewelry," Delvin suggested.

"She has more jewels than Maven Black-Briar and Elisif…" he complained, frowning. "In fact, some of them _are_ Maven's and Elisif's…"

Vex's eyes widened, "You stole from _Maven_?"

"A bunch of times…her Dibella statue…a few times. A horse, though that was actually her son, I guess…"

"Weapons." Vex answered. "As a gift."

He sighed, "Not bad, Jordis does love weapons, but…what do you get a woman that has a legendry Daedric sword, bow, two-handed battle axe and a crossbow, you know?"

"Look, you want more jobs or what?" Vex asked sharply.

"Ugh, fine. Why not…"

* * *

It was time to ask the source about what to get for Mara Day.

"Blessings of Mara upon you," Maramal greeted cheerfully.

The Dragonborn shrugged, "Yeah, sure, whatever. Hey, what should I get my wife for your made up holiday?"

"Mara Day is not made up! It is a day to remember and celebrate the benevolent Lady Mara and her-"

He heaved a sigh and glared at the priest, "Cut the crap, Maramal."

"Ahem. I see. Well, you could always donate to the temple in your lovely wife's name," he suggested.

"You are such a jerk." The Dragonborn said. "This whole thing is just about money, like it always is with you. I'm surprised it didn't cost us money to get married here."

"Yes…about that…"

"Oh, no," the Dragonborn warned, drawing his weapon. "You really want to go there?"

Maramal eyed the blade and then yelled at the top of his lungs; "Guards!"

"Hey! What the heck!"

"You have a one Septim bounty for stealing a wooden plate," Maramal said, backing up. "You thought you could run from the law, but you can't! Perhaps if you donated to Mara, she would erase your crime and-"

"I'm going to kill you!" the Dragonborn said, rushing at him. "The plate said take! I swear! No one even cares! It was a _wooden plate_!"

Two guards burst into the temple. "Stop right there!"

"You have got to be kidding me," he said, sheathing his weapon. "I don't have time for this, do you?"

They both hesitated, "Well, we really only do deal with petty thievery and drunken brawls…"

Maramal smiled, "Well, then, everything is fine here. Let's all just leave…have a great Mara Day and don't forget to donate to the temple to show your love."

"You did this to us!" the Dragonborn screamed. "You!"

Maramal looked concerned, and didn't move from his spot of cowering behind the alter. "Blessings of Mara be upon you!" he called.

The Dragonborn made another run at him but the guards grabbed his arms to prevent it. He ranted; "Maramal! Damn you and Belethor, who always makes up stuff to get more money! That's all this holiday is, a cash-grab!"

The guards tossed him out of the temple, sternly informing him; "No lollygagging."

"Oh, shut up. I bet _you_ don't have to celebrate Mara Day!" he snapped.

One guard turned to look at the other, "It's Mara Day?! My wife is going to kill me…I forgot…"

The Dragonborn nodded, throwing his hands up, "See? This is so stupid…what do you guys usually get, anyway?"

The guards both looked at each other and then shrugged.

"I get flowers,"

"I get food. My wife really loves food."

The Dragonborn frowned from under his hood, "Well, that's unhelpful. I have seventy four blue flowers, over a hundred red flowers and probably close to a million of the purple ones. They don't do anything useful in alchemy, you know…and food. I have six cabinets at just one of my houses that is loaded with food…"

"Let me guess," one guard sneered. "Someone stole your sweetroll,"

The other guard whacked him upside the head. "Dave, I keep telling you, that joke isn't funny…"

"I think it's funny," "Dave" objected.

"It's not funny," the Dragonborn agreed flatly. "I should talk to some other people…more adventurous people, to see what they get for Mara Day…"

"I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I-"

The Dragonborn ran away.

* * *

He had just given the book to the Orc in the library and was on his way to the exit when he passed by one of the mages. The old guy. The with yellow robes. But not Arniel, because he was gone.

He had trouble with names.

"Hey….um…" he paused. "Sergius,"

The old man stopped to look at him, "Need something?"

"Well, today is Mara Day, you know, and…well…I happen to know you are…_close_ to two separate women here, both who are a lot younger,"

"They're elves, they're twice my age." He pointed out.

The Dragonborn made a face. "Ew." He took a deep breath, "_Anyway_, since you seem so…popular with the ladies, I was wondering if you had any advice about Mara Day?"

"Enchanting services," Sergius said.

The Dragonborn rolled his eyes, "Yes, I know you do enchanting services. You tell me that every time I walk by you. I don't see what that has to do with my question."

"Enchanting services," he repeated, wriggling his eyebrows.

The Dragonborn gave him an odd look, "Wait…

"Enchanting. Services." he said once more, nodding.

"Ah!" he cried, "Between you and Galmar, my innocent mind has turned to mush! Gross!"

Sergius laughed as he walked away, "Just remember that enchanting services is one of the few ways we can stay in touch with Skyrim these days."

The Dragonborn shuddered. "Gross, gross, gross…"

It was time to stop asking men for advice, clearly.

* * *

The Blue Palace was, as always, exactly the same as every time he visited.

"So, you see," the Dragonborn was busy explaining to Elsif. "I don't know what to get her."

The young Jarl looked thoughtful, "Hmm…that is a very good question, especially if you have already ruled out jewelry and flowers and weapons…"

She looked up, "Ah, what about clothing? Every woman loves clothing."

"Jordis has everything in Mundus from Daeric armor to roughspun tunics to a palette swapped version of the Emperor's robes to a wedding dress stripped off a dead corpse," he said, sighing. "I just don't see what I could get that she doesn't have already…"

"Well, when my husband was still alive he once bought me an entire closest of dresses," the Jarl suggested.

"Elsif! You shouldn't talk about the late king, it will make you sad!" Falk exclaimed.

The Dragonborn frowned, "Not to sound insensitive but it's been four years. Mourning period is way over. By the way, when is that Moot happening?"

"Falk, peace. I'm fine. Besides, Mara Day is a wonderful day to remember love," Elsif practically sang.

Falk and the Dragonborn both shared a look.

"Sure," the steward muttered, not sounding convinced.

The Dragonborn perked up, "Although…I do have an idea of something she doesn't have…"

* * *

It was dark by the time he remembered where the shop was he was looking for and he heard the lock clicking shut.

"No, wait! Taarie, it's me! I'm going to the Blue Palace and I need to rethink my outfit!"

The door opened and Taarie stood there with her usual frown in place. "Oh. You. Let me guess, you need a gift for Mara Day,"

"Obviously," he said, squeezing his way past her and into the shop. "And I need something…specific. I need undergarments that aren't yellow."

She raised an eyebrow.

He rolled his eyes, "Look, I'm out of gift ideas, alright? And apparently this day should be called Dibella day after everything I've heard."

Taarie sighed and gestured to a rack of clothing.

"It's all yellow!" he complained, thumbing through the garments. "Yellow, yellow, yellow…why…?"

Taarie was scowling at him, "What other possible color would you make undergarments except for yellow?"

"Anything else." he said, shrugging. "Yellow is such an unattractive color, and it washes out skin and…why only yellow? I just don't get it. I personally hate the color."

Taarie was glaring at him, which wasn't all that uncommon, but the weird part was she was quiet.

The Dragonborn stared at her for a moment.

"…Your skin is yellow, huh?" he muttered in realization.

* * *

Paarthurnax, as always, was perched on his word wall and listened almost as well as he talked.

"I'm desperate," the Dragonborn explained. "I have no gifts, nothing! I've been everywhere around the world and this stupid holiday is so ridiculous…"

"Hmm…it is quite a strange custom, I must admit." The dragon rumbled.

He frowned, "I'm not sure why I even came here. There aren't any female dragons…"

"Regardless, Dovahkiih, I do not think you must have a gift on this day. I have met your life-mate. She does not seem to care."

"I guess…" he stood, "Well, I'm going to go mine that ore at the top of that ridge and head out. See you later, Paarthurnax."

"Just don't fall, Dovahkiih,"

"I do this all the time and I have so much life, I can take the falling damage."

* * *

The Dragonborn dragged himself into the front of his house and dropped an armload of stuff to the ground with a clatter.

"Where have you been?!" Jordis asked, walking into the room and looking over the new pile of stuff.

"Everywhere," he complained. "I went everywhere, and I had to hear about Galmar making love in that bear pelt of all things, and Sergius…so gross! And I got twenty four dollars for crawling through a musty old crypt for that damn book that I've already given him two copies of. Vex and Delvin are griping at me that I don't do enough jobs while they're sitting in the Ragged Flagon getting drunk! I fell off the Throat of the World and it hurt, but I didn't die. There was some ledges on the way down, and I had to hear about how a guard was an adventurer like me, but then he…well, you know the rest…"

The dragonborn kicked the pile of stuff, "And, to top it off, I still didn't find you anything for Mara Day."

"Oh, was that today?" Jordis said.

He groaned. "The only way this day could get worse is if that bard starts a song."

"He's sleeping." Jordis said, frowning, "In…a bed that not his, but that's a story for another time."

"He's in our bed, isn't he?"

"Maybe,"

"I hate him." The Dragonborn said, drawing his sword.

Jordis took the sword from him, "Now, don't do that. You'll ruin our bedding. At least sniper him with your bow. But first, let's work on storing all this stuff."

He sighed, "Alright, fine. Thanks for not being mad…"

"Love, I didn't even remember what day it was." She reminded him. "Besides, Maramal only invented it to get money."

"That's the truth…"

Jordis sorted through the pile, "Hmm…it looks like one of the Alto Wine's came open,"

"Probably happened when I rolled down that cliff," he muttered.

Jordis held something up, "And it stained…"

Her eyes widened, "It stained…it stained these undergarments. Look! They aren't yellow! They're _red_! What a novel concept!"

"Um…yeah…meant to do that." The Dragonborn said, nodding. "Happy Mara Day."

She rolled her eyes.

* * *

**So, my brother suggested there should be a "Mara Day". And I agree. Obviously.**

**I have this idea...that the Dragonborn just goes and "hangs" with all the groups he's a part of, or all the courts he's a Thane in and everyone would be like...oh, him again...**

**Also, why is all the underwear for girls yellow?! It's so strange THAT is the color they pick...**

**And my brother is almost at year four (in-game) of play time, and surprise! No Moot. It's really been a long time...**


	16. No one escapes Cidhna Mine

Cidhna Mine wasn't nearly as frightening as everyone had made it out to be.

It was a mine, and it wasn't even infested with giant spiders, Dragur or bandits.

Honestly, the Dragonborn didn't understand what the fuss was about.

Even the inmates didn't really do anything; they talked tough, but they mostly sat around the fire and occasionally picked at the walls for ore.

Still, that didn't mean he didn't want to get out.

He had errands to run for people in Riften and a magical bow to find at some camp in the Whiterun area.

"You want to talk to the King in Rags? Fine. But first you got to pay the toll. How about you get me a shiv? Not that I need one, but it's nice to have in case I need to do some "shaving."" Borkul "The Beast" informed him.

The Dragonborn stared at him and blinked a few times. "Um…why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you need a shiv?" he clarified.

Borkul snorted, "I just told you I didn't!"

"Then why are you asking me to get you one?!" The Dragonborn retorted, annoyed.

The Orc sighed impatiently, "Because I want one,"

"But _why_?" he hissed. "That makes no sense! I mean, it's useless as a weapon, and besides, we have pickaxes,"

Borkul crossed his arms, "What good's a pickaxe?"

The Dragonborn had already collected seven of the items from the mine in the few minutes he'd been there and pulled two of them off of his belt. "See? I'm dual-wielding pickaxes right now. I can pretty much kill anyone."

"A pickaxe isn't a weapon," Borkul argued.

The Dragonborn growled, "Yes, it is! It's better than a _shiv_!"

"I want a shiv."

"Ugh, fine! I'll go murder that guy with the shiv with my dual-wielding pickaxes…"

* * *

**Sorry it's been a little while since my last update! I'm adding two chapters to make it up to you...**

**I wasn't all that frightened in Cidhna Mine...and my brother and I made fun of them with the shiv. They have pickaxes everywhere, it's so silly! And my brother was in first person mode and equipped two of them. They pop up and he's like; "Yeah. We're good. Let's bust out."**


	17. Go fiddling with any locks around here

Jordis paced back and forth in front of hole in the ground filled with water.

"Legenderized the lock-picking skill," she muttered angrily, watching the water. "Oh look, there's a chest down there, I better jump in without checking the area and try to unlock it!"

She rolled her eyes and continued to mimic the Dragonborn's voice; "I don't need to worry about breathing, I'm the Dragonborn! I'll just drown while trying to pick this expert level lock, and I'll get two bucks and a potatoe out of it!"

She stopped pacing and chewed her lip in worry as he still hadn't resurfaced.

"Unbelievable. He's going to die for nothing, all because he legenderized the lock picking skill and because he's greedy. And even if he manages to live, he'll complain because his armor will be all wet now! It's not like we don't have forty of whatever is in that chest back home…"

Finally there were bubbles and the Dragonborn broke the surface. He grinned stupidly and triumphantly held up a hand.

"Look Jordis!" he called, panting. "I found three iron arrows and seventy-five septims! There was also a lock pick in there, but I broke six trying to open it…"

She groaned and rolled her eyes, nevertheless stepping forward to help him out of the water and take the arrows from him.

He made a face, "I'm all wet now…"

Jordis sighed and shook her head.

* * *

**My brother did make his lock picking skill legendary, but then he regretted it because he had forgotten how annoying it was...**

**There's a chest in one of the forts that's underwater and my brother dives in and is trying to pick the lock while underwater. I of course told him in real life his guy would be dead, and that led to us joking that Jordis is up there complaining the whole time.**


	18. Is someone there?

"I have grave news!" Florentius Baenius exclaimed. "Arkay says a master vampire has captured one of your friends!"

The Dragonborn gasped. "Oh no…who?"

"Lydia!"

The Dragonborn blinked, "Oh…um…that's a shame…"

"Yes! You must rescue her at once." Florentius continued.

He shrugged, "Sure, whatever…I'll put it on the quest list."

* * *

"So, Jordis," The Dragonborn asked, putting away the last of their current stash. "What's on our quest list right now?"

Jordis opened up the book, "Well, let's see…you can talk to Greta about going to the temple of divines,"

"I have!" he complained. "Many times. She says she's going, so I don't know why that's still in there! What else?"

"Kill the bandit leader at Nilheim,"

"I already did before they gave me that quest, and now they don't believe me. Next?"

Jordis flipped the page, "Well, we could always rescue Lydia from that vampire,"

The Dragonborn sighed, "Fine…I guess we can do that."

* * *

The master vampire fell into a heap on the floor and the Dragonborn immediately reached out to take his clothing, starting with the boots. "Well, that was easy."

Jordis looked over her shoulder at the trail of dead bodies they had left in their wake. "This will take a while to get everything. We should probably make sure Lydia is fine, first."

He heaved a sigh, "Ugh, fine…"

The Dragonborn opened the door to her cell and frowned at her, "I'm not even going to ask how you managed to get caught or why you have nothing but underwear on, but-"

Lydia jumped up, "Oh! My love! I knew you would come rescue me!"

"Um…" he said, glancing between her and Jordis. "I…don't love you, in fact, I very nearly hate you." He informed her awkwardly. His eyes slid over to Jordis; "I in no way solicited this,"

She was frowning, idly swinging her sword and shield.

Lydia walked over to one of the corpses on the ground and knelt down, closing the eyes before whispering fiercely; "I promise I'll find whoever did this,"

The Dragonborn raised an eyebrow, "Um, Lydia? That's one of your captors,"

She just stood up and shook her head, "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

"Alright, fine, let's go…" he said, walking towards the exit. "She's so weird…"

* * *

**So this is based off of something that actually happened in my brother's game...**

**He gets the "rescue mission" and it's...Lydia. And both of us are like...oh...(Because we really don't like Lydia,) and so he's like fine, we can go do that...**

**Now, Lydia is glitched in my brother's game so badly for some reason that she doesn't wear clothing or boots...even if she's a follower and you give her something, she won't put it on, or she will when you leave an area, but then take it off randomly when you leave somewhere else. It's so odd. But, we don't care because we don't see her that often.**

**So she's in her undies, in a cage, tied up, which is bad enough as it is, but then she's all like "My love!" when my brother's character is married to Jordis...who is standing right next to him...awkward.**

**And THEN, she wanders over to one of the dead vampires and is like "I'll find whoever did this." in an angry, vengeful voice...**

**...I can't even...**


	19. You've done us a great service!

After being on Solstheim for months, the Dragonborn finally decided to go check out the Raven Rock mine.

And just like everywhere, he stumbled into a quest.

Apparently, married couple Aphia and Cresious were arguing over his desire to travel into the mines in search of evidence of a conspiracy he suspected took place over two hundred years before.

Although he sounded sure of himself, it still felt like a slim lead.

But, the Dragonborn wanted to look at the mine anyway…

"I'll go look for you!" he offered.

Aphia sighed in relief, "Thank goodness, now my husband doesn't have to go get himself killed on some fool's errand!"

"I would have been fine!" he snapped back.

The Dragonborn looked at Jordis, "Can you believe this guy? He's too old to be traveling through these collapsed tunnels. Why doesn't he just listen to his wife?"

*****Sixty years later*****

"But Jordis," the Dragonborn whined, "It's just a newly discovered barrow! There's supposedly the ancient fork of magicka inside! I need that for my collection!"

"You are too old to be going into barrows," his wife scolded.

"Ugh, there's just going to be Dragur inside, no big deal…"

"I'm not living as a widow the rest of my days!"

"I'm not going to die!"

She pointed over to the road; "Look, there's an adventurer. Let's ask him to go get it for you."

"…Fine…"

* * *

**I got a kick out of the response you could give this guy; it made it sound like the Dragonborn was just fed up and/or in a bad mood...haha. And all I could think, we that this would be happening to HIM in the future. So naturally, this had to happen.**

**I will be working on some more chapters this week, so hopeful not too long of a wait before you get another one!**


	20. Load Screen 2

*Insert fog effect*

* * *

**Lockpicking is a skill for duh, unlocking shit, stupid.**

* * *

**Fire burns…obviously.**

* * *

**The artifact Volendrung is also known as the hammer of might. It is not Thor's hammer.**

* * *

Another load screen! I'll put one up on the "ten" every time.

My brother and I wrote some more chapters, so this week I should be adding a few different ones.


	21. It's so nice to have a visitor

"No need to trouble yourself with me, dear. I'm just a poor old woman." The elderly woman said, sitting in a chair near the door to her house.

The Dragonborn gave her a skeptical once over. "No one in Skyrim is a '_just_' anything…"

Anise as she was called just continued to stare at him, "Oh, but it is nice to have a visitor. I get so lonely out here."

"Uh huh," he muttered, narrowing his eyes. "Are you a vampire? A Thalmor spy?"

"I told you! I'm just an old lady!" Anise insisted.

He shook his head, "Sure you are. I'm just going to go poke around your house and find the journal you likely have detailing all your necromancy experiments, or the secret shipments of stolen goods you know about."

The Dragonborn walked into her house and looked around. He heard the sound of an Ironflesh spell being cast.

He wheeled around and pulled his sword; "Ah ha! I knew it!"

"Fool! No one may know my secret!" Anise shouted, charging at him.

She died easily enough, the spells fizzling out on her fingertips.

"…Huh. I wonder what secret she was talking about, I should probably look around and-" he said, only to get distracted. "Oh! Ruined books!"

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**No one in Skyrim doesn't have a quest, or a sinister backstory, or a secret. It's just a fact.**

**I always wonderered what was up with "Anise" so I finally looked her up online. (I had never found the hatch to her basement before, and neither had my brother.**


	22. Sailors are what happened to them

**I had planned on uploading some chapters last week, but I didn't, so here's two tonight for everyone!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

The Dragonborn cut down the final Dragur that had lumbered towards him and took a moment to look back at the hallway littered with dead bodies.

"I'm telling you, Jordis, there's no way." he complained.

The blonde woman shrugged and sheathed her sword, "He said we'd find them in here,"

"In a Dragur infested barrow? Yeah right…"

He trudged onward. "Let's just keep going."

* * *

Another spider fell from the ceiling, dead, with an arrow it one of its many eyes. It fell into a pile of other deceased spiders, making a rather impressive, if not gross, feature in the hallway.

"No way." the Dragonborn repeated. "Absolutely no way."

There was the sound of another Frostbite spider moviung behind him but Jordis shot it dead before it could reach them.

The Dragonborn nodded his thanks and then gestured around the room. "No way."

* * *

"Wait here." The Dragonborn instructed. "I'll Whirlwind sprint through that and then turn it off."

"I can make it," Jordis insisted.

"Yes," he replied. "But you don't have too,"

He zipped through the hallway filled with fire traps and swinging guillotines, pulling the lever on the other side and frowning.

"Seriously. No. Way."

* * *

A sarcophagus sat among a large, open room, in front of a dragon word wall.

"I…don't like where this is going," Jordis said, eyeing the room uneasily.

The Dragonborn shook his head, "Something undead and bad is coming out of there…and you know what? There's absolutely, no way in Oblivion!"

* * *

The Dragonborn made a "hurry up" gesture with his hand as the word wall fizzled and glowed and he rolled his eyes when he "learned" the new Shout he'd probably forget he had in a few minutes. He turned to look at Jordis as the light show faded.

"I'm telling you, Jordis, there's no way!"

She looked unconvinced. "Well, then this was a waste of time."

"Eh, we'd have to come down here sometime, but I'm telling you, there is no way Captain Wayfinder's men, drunk or not, dropped these Fine Cut Void Salts down here and lived to tell about it…"

He nodded to the chest, "Hey, grab that, would you?"

"Okay, got it."

The Dragonborn realized he had received a word for the 'Animal Allegiance' shout and rolled his eyes. "Woot."

Jordis chuckled and held something up from the nearby chest. "Look, Fine Cut Void Salts."

"What?!" he said, rushing over. "No way!"

"Yes, way."

"No!" he complained. "The spiders and the dragur and the traps…how the hell did they make it down here? And back? And why would they out it in a chest?!"

Jordis shrugged, "Some things just simply can't be explained."

"No way…"

* * *

**I'm suspicious of Wayfinder's crew...they are either very talented while drunk, extremely lucky, or, they are hiding his Void Salts on purpose.**

**Since you can do this quest over and over, it only adds to the suspicion. The worst was when they were in the barrow where you do the White Phial quest (I can't remember the name,) but that is LONG and filled with all sorts of dangers that some drunk sailors could never hope to defeat. And why were they there, in the first place?!**


	23. Drem Yol Lok

The final hired thug collasped, dead, to the street with an overly dramatic exhale of breath.

The Dragonborn glared at a guard that was just watching.

"Thanks for your help," he snapped. As a newly prompted Thane, he would have hoped the guards would help him when three heavily armed men showed up to kill him for no reason.

The guard stared for a minute; "I used to be an adventurer like you, but then-"

The Dragonborn sprinted past him, annoyed, and leaned over the dead body of the ring leader. "Alright, let's find that note or journal or skooma on you that will tell me why you wanted me dead…let's see here…oh, new gauntlets, sweet…ahem, here it is."

He unrolled the parchment and read over it aloud; "This guy stole from me, killing him isn't needed, blah blah…signed…Paarthurnax…"

He frowned, "Wait a minute…wasn't that the leader of the Greybeards? Well, next time I'm up there I'll be asking about this!"

* * *

Paarthurnax dipped his head, "The Blades are wise not to trust me. Onikaan ni ov. I would not trust another dovah." He climbed off his favorite perch, to look eye to eye with the Dragonborn. "Ah, so you have come to kill me. Lok Thu'Um. I understand. Though I would like to hear your reason, Dovahkiin."

The Dragonborn frowned at him and unfurled a note with a flourish. "Oh, I don't know, _this?!"_

Paarthurnax squinted at it and then made a sound that was a dragon's version of nervous laughing. "Ha, ha…That…well, see…there's a funny story to that…"

"Oh, I'll bet there is." The Dragonborn muttered.

Paarthurnax continued to laugh, "You should have seen me try to work out that arrangement…"

"Seriously, not helping your case, here."

"Ah, right, right…"

* * *

**So, my brother started a new game on Skyrim...and this happened to him. These thugs attacked him in Falkreath, he finally kills them (Gets new armor off of them, too. I reminded him) reads the note and...we both just start cracking up. I mean...really, game?**

**We both didn't kill Paarthurnax the first time (Well, I'm not quite there yet but I don't plan on killing him,) but this is seriously not making a good case.**

**And then of course, I pointed out that...how did he hire these guys? Did he fly off the mountain to meet there? Put a giant tarp over himself and pretend to be a really large necromancer?**

**Gotta love Skyrim.**


	24. In our hearts we're still thieves

**I can't believe its been a month since I updated this! Whoops...Well, here's another chapter!**

* * *

The Dragonborn glared at the statue of Nocturne before turning around and shouting across the room. "Who put this here?!"

Sapphire shrugged, "Karliah,"

"Damn her!" the Dragonborn complained. He sighed and eyed the statue. "You know, no one asked me, as guild master, if this was okay…I don't worship Daedra, I screw them over!"

A sudden thought struck him and he called out across the room again, "Alright, anyone have any thoughts on what we can do since this is here? It's an eyesore, and that's saying something as our base is a sewer."

People exchanged a few looks, murmuring among themselves. Rune shrugged, "I think we should put a funny hat on it,"

"Rune, I like you." the Dragonborn said, pointing at him with a smile.

"Alright! Listen up, I have a contest for everyone. Who doesn't like bonuses and friendly competition, right? One thousand gold pieces to the person who brings the funniest hat to put on Nocturne's head!"

There was a ripple of excited mutterings and some people ran off, ready to try and win their prize.

"I'm going to win this for sure!" Delvin announced.

The Dragonborn's gaze slid sideways to him. "I don't know, Delvin," he said sarcastically. "It's going to pretty hard to find a funny hat in the Ragged Flagon,"

As everyone scurried to and fro, the Dragonborn grinned. "Oh Nocturne, you have no idea what you've done by trying to make me one of yours…"

* * *

**I don't know why I think Rune would be a prankster, but I feel like he would be...**

**So, brother and I are annoyed that there's no way to screw over Nocturne, since we like making life difficult for the Daedra. And they she puts a statue in the hideout?! (We TRIED to put hats on it, but alas, it's too high to reach...)**

**And we make fun of Delvin and Vex for ALWAYS being the Ragged Flagon. They always gripe that the player never does enough work while they laze about playing musical chairs...**


	25. Something you'd like to confess?

The Dragonborn stared at the vortex of swirling purple haze and asked his companion; "So, what is the Soul Cairn?"

Serana crossed her arms, "It's a plane of existence where souls go once they've been soul-trapped. Or, so I've been told." She shrugged, "Ever soul-trapped someone before?"

* * *

The courtyard of the Thalmor Embassy was littered with fallen High Elf mages, soldiers and archers. The Dragonborn tucked his bow away and hopped down from the rock he'd been using as a sniper position. "Yes! All my black soul gems are filled!"

* * *

The Dragonborn shook his head to Serana's question, "Not often…"

* * *

**Author's Notes:** My brother always feels bad trapping humans in soul games, so all his black soul gems go to the Thalmor...hehehe

And it is possible to shoot arrows through some of the gaps in the wall of the Embassy and kill the Thalmor. They are trapped inside if you haven't done the quest there and can only shoot magic and arrows back at you. But, if you are good with the bow you can snipe from far away.


	26. Now ain't this a surprise!

Mammoths were roaming off in the distance while the giants that tended them stood around the enormous bonfire centered in their camp.

"Wow…" the Dragonborn breathed, awed by the sight as his gaze traveled up to the mountain peaks far off in the distance.

Suddenly he realized it was too quiet, as there was no nagging or sarcastic remarks, nor was there any clunking footsteps and obviously tripping noises from his follower.

He turned to try and locate Lydia, hoping she wasn't doing something he was going to pay for.

She wasn't behind him, and so he continued to scan the area, hoping to spot her rather clumsily gait.

Finally he spotted her, in the giant camp, staring up at the creature.

"Oh…for all the god's sakes…" the Dragonborn sighed.

As he watched, the giant waved his club as a warning; Lydia ignored it. She continued to stare up at the giant, and he continued to grow more and more enraged.

Finally he apparently had enough and smashed the ground near her with his club, sparking an instant battle.

Lydia drew her sword and took a swing at him.

The Dragonborn just watched as all the mammoths and the other giants turned to look at him.

"Uh oh," he muttered, backing up slowly.

And suddenly there was a stampede.

He ran, cursing his dimwitted follower as he went, and wondering where she had ended up after this. Probably just watching, if he knew her.

The ground shook as the stampede continued to follow him, and he wondered if they would follow him indefinitely as he continued to run. Finally he remembered he could get away a lot faster, and shouted the words to the Whirlwind Sprint Shout.

"Wuld!"

He zipped across a ridge and landed, breathing a sigh of relief that he had put some distance between him and the beasts.

There was a growl.

He glanced to his left and spotted a Sabre Cat crouching, slowly rising to its paws.

"Heh…hey there, kitty…nice kitty…"

It lunged at him and he took off running again.

"Damn you Lydia!" he shouted to the wind.

Another whirlwind sprint took him into the river, and he chuckled triumphantly as he was swept downstream, the Sabre Cat pacing back and forth on the bank.

The river picked up quickly, but he continued to let it lead him away from the other troubles. Something nipped at his leg.

"Ow! What the-"

There was a large fish swirling around his legs, taking quick bites through his armor.

"Ow! Quit it!" he snapped, smacking at it.

The river had slowed somewhat and he quickly got out of it, glaring the Slaughterfish as it wriggle in the waves.

With another sigh, the Dragonborn looked up and around. "Now where am I?"

There was some sort of gate nearby, with what looked like tents inside.

"Hmm…I wonder what that is?" he muttered, starting to walk towards it. Maybe there were some hunters who had been hunting and fishing in these parts for years that could give him some directions.

"Well now ain't this a surprise!"

He groaned in frustration as five bandits ran out from the gate, drawing weapons. "I should have known…"

Without even trying his hand at fighting them, he took off running again, shouting once more in fury; "Lydia!"

* * *

**On my brother's first playthrough on Skyrim, this actually happened. one minute we're gazing at the lovely world, the next Lydia has started a fight with a giant and it all spiraled from there. He was only like level 7 at the time, so all these enemies were still very much a danger. It ended when the river took him straight into Robber's Gorge.**

**Stupid Lydia.**

**Also, I don't think I've mentioned before (on this story,) that I have a DeviantArt account with the same username as on here. There is a bunch of my artwork, including a fanart of my Skyrim character, AND there's some fun demotivational posters, too, among other things. Take a look if you'd like!**

**I'll try to have another chapter of this up sometime this week. Had some really fun things happen in the current game that need to be added...hehe**


	27. This next song goes out to theDragonborn

"Home sweet ho-" the Dragonborn said, only to be knocked aside by a horse walking by. He frowned at it and watched the cream colored horse wander away.

"Whose…horse is that? I don't have a horse…" he muttered.

Shaking his head, he turned back to Lakeview Manor and sighed, "As I was saying, home sweet-"

There was a roar overhead.

He glared at the sky and drew his sword. "Really?"

The dragon circled a few times, issuing his challenging roar while everyone from the house ran to his side; Lydia was running around in her usual spazzy manner, Jordis had drawn her enchanted weapons and was staring upwards, Rayya was running from the back of the house, looking ready for a fight, and the bard…

Llewellyn was playing a tune on his lute, but thankfully wasn't singing.

The dragon landed with a flurry of dirt and debris flying up, and the battle started.

The Dragonborn took a step back as the dragon spun around to attack a mudcrab on the road behind him.

"Seriously?!" he said aloud, surprised the dragon abandoned a fight with humans to destroy a weak mudcrab.

Suddenly the dragon roared again, and Llewellyn jumped on top of his head. He had pulled a small dagger from his belt and began stabbing the dragon in the eyes and mouth.

The Dragonborn stared; "Whoa, whoa, whoa….what is going on?"

The dragon roared his last and started to collapse. It burned to ash and the Dragonborn felt the soul but was more interested in the strange things that had just happened.

Llewellyn sheathed his dagger, pulled out his lute and spun to the tree next to the stable. He began to pluck a tune on his lute again, apparently serenading the tree.

Jordis had raced past the dragon to finish off a second mudcrab that had crawled up the path to avenge his friend.

Rayya walked inside the house, apparently done with the drama outside. Jordis ran up to the Dragonborn but he was too stunned by what had just happened.

Lydia knelt down to the mudcrab and ran her hand over its shell. "What happened?"

The Dragonborn closed his eyes, "Home sweet home…"

* * *

**Author's Note: Oh my! Has it been that long since I updated? Unacceptable!**

**The worst part is, I've had chapters written, I just never uploaded them.**

**Well, apologies, and I will try to post more often for awhile...**

**This chapter was actually inspired and written directly as it happened in one of my brother's games. (For some reason he made Lydia his steward, even though all he does is complain about her. Same with hiring the bard who he hates...I don't understand...)**

**But seriously, this is exactly how it happened. I was so glad I was in the room to see it.**

**When the bard jumped on the dragon into the animation that your character can get, slashing at the dragon's face, my brother flipped up the menu and was like...whoa, whoa, WHOA! What is happening?! And then we laughed.**

**Anyway, enjoy, and I will try to have more uploaded soon.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	28. Works of Art in a Nonsensical Gallery

The Dragonborn triumphantly held the Skull of Corruption aloft. "Dawnstar is free from nightmares!" he declared.

Lydia, who had dressed herself in an odd assortment of mage robes, Forsworn boots and gauntlets and a Dragon Priest mask, looked back and forth.

"Where is Erandur?" she asked.

With a forlorn sigh, the Dragonborn shook his head. "He didn't make it."

Lydia frowned, "You killed him, didn't you?"

* * *

The Dragonborn was busy searching the now dead body of some guy named Veren who had tried to kill them. He hadn't been paying attention as to why; this whole place was starting to bore him. But he was collecting very special, hard to find, Vaermina Robes. They would be a collector's item one day, he was sure.

"_He's deceiving you_…." A voice said from the ethers of the room.

Probably the Daedra. He shrugged, unconcerned.

It was his job in life to mess with the Daedra as much as possible, so he really didn't care what she had to say.

Oh. And that Alduin thing. He was supposed to do that, too.

Although…

The Skull of Corruption _would_ look good in his museum, and if he had it, it would make sure no one else would try to use it for something stupid…

"Hey, Erandur, I don't suppose there's any way I could have that, is there?"

The man looked horrified at the thought and paused in his ritual of fancy lights. "What? No! Of course not! It is a dangerous and vile thing. If you touch it, I will have no choice but to kill you."

"Whoa," the Dragonborn said, holding up his hands. "Are you threatening me? Did you not see me massacre everyone in here?"

"I should never have run," Erandur lamented. "This is all my fault!"

"You don't sound broken up about serving a Daedra…" he mused, rolling his eyes. "You know what, I'm taking that staff. I don't know that I trust you with it, either."

Erandur pulled his dagger from his belt. "How dare you! I won't-"

The Dragonborn took a deep breath; "_Yol_!"

The alter burst into fire from his fire breath shout and the light show ended.

* * *

"No!" the Dragonborn said in regards to Lydia's question. He started to walk back to town. "He didn't get out of the way of my fire breath…"

* * *

**Author's Note: My brother killed Erandur in his game because he wanted the Oblivion Walker achievement, though honestly, by the end of the quest it wasn't all that sad to see him go...he's kind of an annoying twat and hardly seems to feel bad for worshipping a Daedra. I left him alive in my game, though I can't see that it makes that much difference in the grand scheme of things.**

**You never pull a weapon on the Dragonborn. All red dots must die.**

**I know I make fun of the Daedra a lot, but it's too much fun...**


	29. We can have a drink Catch up

Glover Mallory stopped working and glanced up as the Dragonborn pointed with this thumb at the shadowmark on his door. "So…can I sell you stolen stuff or what?"

"Well, well. It's been a long since someone from the Guild bothered to make their way out here. So tell me…how's my brother Delvin? Still spending his nights at the Ragged Flagon trying to win Vex's heart?"

Slightly annoyed his question hadn't been answered, the Dragonborn snorted. "Nights…days…weekends…mornings…holidays…evenings…"

Glover started laughing. "Ah, so nothing's changed!"

"I guess not." He said, rolling his eyes. A sudden thought occurred to him and he frowned, crossing his arms. "Hey, wait. How come you don't have an accent?"

Glover groaned. "Is Delvin still using that fake-ass accent? I told him it was stupid. Man's crazy."

"Lazy?"

"Crazy." Glover repeated, making a confused face.

The Dragonborn shrugged. "Same thing. Anyway, about those stolen goods…"

* * *

**How can I pass up another chance to make fun of Delvin and the Ragged Flagon? I mean, seriously...he just sits around all the time...at least Vex mixes it up a little bit by leaning against things. Delvin can't even manage that...**

**And the fact that his brother doesn't have an accent makes me chuckle. It's totally fake...**


	30. Load Screen 3

*Insert fog effect here*

* * *

"High Elves are borne with extra Magicka, and sticks up their asses."

* * *

"The School of Restoration focuses on the mastery over life forces, and is a perfectly valid form of magic. Just ask Collette."

* * *

"Most friends and hirelings can interact with the world. But they won't strip dead bodies, so what's the point?"


	31. Ball of light that lasts 60 seconds

When the Dragonborn, or Harry the Potter as he was known there, agreed to become Archmage of the college, he was promised he wouldn't actually have to do any work.

Now he felt lied too.

He'd had to listen to Tolfdir blather on about getting new 'young' people interested in magic to attend the school.

"Is this really a problem?" the Dragonborn asked. "I mean, I've personally meet some guy on the road wanting to come here and practice wards. Do you really not have people wanting to come?"

"Oh, we have plenty," Tolfdir confirmed.

The Dragonborn paused, reigning in his temper. "So…the problem with getting people to join is…?"

"Well, they have to pass the test…."

"I think I see the problem,"

Tolfdir ignored him and continued; "But really we need people coming to train in Alteration!"

"…Alteration,"

"Yes!" the old mage said with a nod. "Hardly anyone wants to train in Alteration, and that is a shame. It's a dying art!"

The Dragonborn shrugged largely. "Well, yeah. Who wants to train in Alteration? The spells are worthless, especially if your any good…I mean, healing is always needed, just ask Collette, and Destruction…who doesn't want to blow stuff up? Conjuration can be fun and even Illusion has its place. But Alteration is just…well…"

Tolfdir looked upset. "Alteration is an amazing school of magic!"

"Even you, Master trainer, don't teach on it!" the Dragonborn pointed out. "You teach about Wards, which is the….um….what school is that again? I never use them, so…"

"This is why we need people to be interested in it! You should give a lecture on the merits of it and convince our current apprentices to learn." the mage insisted.

"Um…our current apprentices are a guy who keeps selling his family heirlooms to Enthir, a cat who has an unhealthy love of fire and a dark elf who turns people into cows."

"Great!" Tolfdir said as if he hadn't spoken. "It's settled then. You'll give a lecture at noon about this in the Hall of Elements and it will be wonderful!"

"Wait I-"

Tolfdir wandered off. "Now where did I put my alembic…"

The Dragonborn rolled his eyes.

* * *

The gathered student body and teachers alike stared expectantly at the Dragonborn as he stood in the center of the Hall of Elements.

He gave a wave. "Hey all, Archmage here. I know we all came to the school to learn how to make things explode, and along the way we picked up tricks to heal ourselves, raise the dead and summon creatures from the planes of Oblivion. We've discovered ice and lightning, we learned that muffle can help you level up really fast. But today I'd like to talk to you about Alteration magic."

He could have sworn he heard someone groan in the gathering.

"Now I know Alteration doesn't seem all that useful, but it's very helpful, even if you're overpowered and no longer need Ebonyflesh. There's waterbreathing for those of us who aren't lizards and transmutation to turn iron ore into gold so you can level smithing by making a butt-load of gold rings. But beyond those spells, there's a very fun, useful one I'd like to tell you about."

He held out his hand. A light appeared in his palm.

"This is a Magelight."

Nirya made a disgusted face. "You made us gather to hear about Magelights?"

The Dragonborn flicked his wrist and made the spell smack her in the face. She huffed and tried to bat it away, to no avail. "There, you get a Magelight."

Everyone else wisely stayed quiet.

"Now," the Dragonborn continued. "A Magelight isn't just fun for jamming into people's faces. Did you know it attaches to walls, the ground…even moving objects! Next time a guard tells you to _watch the magic,_ make sure he gets Magelight following him around."

"In a dark cave filled with bandits? Necromancers? Vampires? Spiders? All of the above? Use a Magelight!"

"Just dropped a bunch of stuff on the floor for your follower to pick up? Put a Magelight on it to make sure you don't miss anything!"

"Want to put a new star in the sky? Magelight!"

"Up for a challenge? Try tagging a dragon with one of these suckers."

"Trying to signal aliens? Magelight to the sky!"

"Need a distraction? You guessed it. Magelight."

"Chicken? Put a Magelight on it."

"Want to piss someone off? Slap a Magelight in their face."

"Up late reading? Don't hurt your eyes. Use a Magelight!"

The Dragonborn began flinging Magelights into the crowd. "And you get a Magelight! And you get a Magelight, and you get a Magelight!"

He could tell the crowd wasn't buying it, and so he threw one last one up into the air, exclaiming; "Fly Magelight! Fly!"

While everyone was looking up, he ran for the door.

"Ha," he chuckled to himself, slipping out the door. "Need to get out of something? Magelight…"

Tolfdir looked around the room at all the floating Magelights.

Collette nodded. "We should have the Archmage give more lectures! Maybe one on Restoration? You know, it's a valid school of mag-"

Everyone groaned and disappeared from the room, taking their Magelights with them.

* * *

**Author's Note: My brother is constantly messing around with the Magelight spell...come on, you know we all throw it in people's faces...**

**Also, when the student wanted to practice his wards, my brother pulled open the menu and goes too...items. Then goes, oh wait, it's magic. Opens up...Destruction. I start laughing. He's like...shut up! I don't use them! Is it Alteration? Pretty much the best thing ever.**

**I also just recently saw the scene in Skyrim where everyone is gathered in the Hall of Elements listening to Collette give a lecture on Restoration, and one by one, they leave until only Tolfdir is still there when she finishes. If you haven't seen it, it's hilarious. I wish I knew what triggers it, though...**


	32. You help my people

**It's been awhile! I haven't had time to write any of these up lately, but here's two short ones for you all tonight.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Idgrod Ravencrone nodded in approval. "You have dealt with the vampire threat to Morthal, and for that, I thank you. What is your name, stranger?"

The Dragonborn paused. "Um….Edward…Edward the Sparkly."

"Very well, Edward the Sparkly," the Jarl continued. "If you help my people, I'll make you my Thane."

The Dragonborn frowned. "But…I already helped your people,"

"I can only grant the title of Thane to someone known throughout my hold." Idgrod reminded him.

His frown deepened. "So, solving the vampire issue and saving everyone wasn't good enough? How can they possibly still not know me. I just killed a dragon outside, too!"

"Look, I need good deeds." She said plainly. "You do good deeds, you get a fancy title."

"Ugh!" the Dragonborn groaned. "What is it with you people and good deeds?!"

Idgrod Ravencrone laughed; "Never forget the good deeds!"

"Fine, fine," the hero, currently going by another alias, relented. "I'll go do your stupid good deed favor quests. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to get in a fist fight with that guy."

* * *

**The first time my brother played through this game, I believe Morthal was the first place he became Thane (After Whiterun, of course,) so we got a kick out of having to complete favor quests, or "good deeds" to obtain it after the whole vampire thing. AND, a dragon did attack the town and he fought it off without anyone dying, so, you know...**

**It's ALWAYS good deeds! No matter what video game...always good deeds...(Never forget the good deeds,)**


	33. Azura's wisdom to you, friend

The broken Azura's Star glistened, even in the low lighting of the room.

"Are we returning to Azura's Shrine right away to return it, or heading out on another quest?" Jordis asked.

The Dragonborn shook his head. "No, I'm not returning it there at all. I don't help Daedra, I try to make their lives awful."

"Well, you can't give it to Nelacar," his wife pointed out. "He's an Altmer. You hate High Elves."

The Dragonborn stared at the shattered pieces in his hands. "But…then…there's no way to do this! This is a no win situation!"

Jordis rolled her eyes. "You aren't going to use it anyway, you just want it for display purposes."

"That's not the point!" he complained. "Curse you, Azura…clearly you are the most evil of all the Daedra…"

* * *

**Actually, Azura doesn't bother me at all in this game since she...you know...doesn't actually really do that much. In fact, if you go with Nelacar, you never even interact with Azura at all!**

**But, this is a funny since my brother does hate High Elves and Daedra. And yeah, the star's just gonna sit in a display case...**


	34. I can give you this staff

**Long time no see! So sorry for the long delay. I've been super busy, but I wanted to upload some Skyrim fun in time for the holidays**.

* * *

Another arrow struck the Dragon Priest in the chest, staggering him. The Dragonborn quickly put his bow away and pulled his sword free.

Judging by how the Dragon Priest was slowing down, he was guessing he was close to death now.

He only had to strike a few blows and the battle would be—

A burst of icy wind careened past him, winging his arm and throwing him off balance. It might have hurt if he was damaged by frost. But his Nord blood gave him a natural resistance to cold.

Still, it was annoying.

And weird.

The ice struck the master of the barrow and he collapsed to the ground, falling to ashes.

The threat taken care of, the Dragonborn turned to look over his shoulder and spotted Jordis holding a staff.

He frowned.

As he moved towards her, the staff was put away, vanishing from sight and being replaced by her normal weapon of choice, a one-handed sword.

"Jordis," he said slowly.

She just stared back innocently.

"Where is the staff?"

"I don't have a staff." she replied quickly. A little too quickly.

The Dragonborn frowned again. "I just saw you!"

"I don't have a staff!" she insisted.

"Then where did that ice come from?"

She shrugged and sheathed her sword. He glared at her as she walked around him.

* * *

**This is based directly on something that happened to my brother (with the exception of the fact that he doesn't use a bow in combat-only for stealth) He's just plugging along, hacking on this Dragon Priest when sudden there's an Ice Storm spell whizzing past and he and I are like...what?**

**Jordis is holding a staff, but as he walks towards her to take it from her inventory, the AI actually has her put it away and draw her sword. And we start cracking up.**

**I don't have a staff!**

**We learned the hard way to never let the followers have staves, since the spells always hit you, or creating a blinding fireball that makes it impossible to see your target, so how she even GOT the staff was one thing, but for her to put it away was too funny.**


	35. His brains are not his strong suit

"Skjor says I have the strength of Ysgramor," Farkas bragged. "and my brother has his smarts."

The Dragonborn simply stared at the man with a dry look. "You're afraid of spiders and Ysgramor ate soup with a fork."

Farkas just stood there, staring back.

There was a pause.

"Some people think I'm not smart. Those people get my fist. But not you. I like you." Farkas declared.

The Dragonborn rolled his eyes.

* * *

**A second chapter for all of you to make up for my lack of updates.**

**This was actually something my brother pointed out; that Ysgramor ate soup with a fork...because of his "soup spoon" item that is actually a fork...**

**And it was making fun of the Companions, my favorite, so I had to write it into a full chapter. (I know people like them, but I don't. They bug me.)**

**Also, I was thinking of writing some of these involving fun things that have happened in MY game, to MY Dragonborn. What do you all think? Should I?**


	36. Pushing aside anything

**First chapter featuring my Dragonborn! Just so you understand why it's suddenly a "her"**

* * *

The Companions had done little to impress the Dragonborn so far.

No, they had impressed her that they were arrogant losers who fancied themselves glorified mercenaries.

They almost didn't let her join!

Didn't they know who she was?

Well, they were about too.

Now that she was a member, they let her walk around their little clubhouse without keeping tabs on her. A mistake, probably.

It took some searching into all the rooms to figure out who's was who's, but knowing these people, it wasn't hard to figure it out.

She was searching for one in particular. The room of the moron who questioned; _"You want to let her join?"_

Honestly she wasn't sure if the room with the weapons on the floor was his, or the one across the hallway with the built in bar was his. He and that other guy were pretty much the same. Were they twins? She hadn't been paying attention after the first few words anyone around here spoke.

Regardless, the rooms had lovely shelves filled with trinkets, tables with food, and things on the floor.

The Dragonborn smirked. Perfect.

She took a deep breath; "_Fus Ro_!"

Everything went flying, striking the ceiling, the walls and finally coming to rest on the floor in a disorderly mess.

She nodded, satisfied.

There were footsteps coming down the hall so she stepped away and tried to look busy, grabbing a book off the nearby shelf and pretended to read it. She ignored the leg of goat on the shelf next to it. No wonder the maid in this place was called "The Haggard."

The footsteps didn't happen to come down the corridor so she put the book back and walked away. They would find the room soon enough.

Besides, she had to go do five other things in town before she finally went and returned this horn to the Greybeards…

* * *

**Author's Note: I don't like the Companions, and for whatever reason, the tone Vilkas says "you aren't letting HER join?" reallllllly ticked me off. In fact, I "cheated" during our sparring match and used Elemental Fury, which locks up the battle (if you get the glitch to work,) and even if you deplete his health bar, it won't cancel you out of the battle. So, I sat there just wailing on him over and over while Dual Wielding...I'm awful, yes.**

**And then he was still being a pain so I went in his room and I DID shout everything everywhere. Heh. Yeah...although, I'm not sure if it was his room or Farkas's...not that it really matters...**

**In other news!:**

**My brother and I have Elder Scrolls Online! Goodbye, life. Not as good as Skyrim (as if anything ever could be,) but still quite obviously an Elder Scrolls game, which means it's great. So, if you happen to be in the Daggerfall Covenant and come across a blonde, Breton DragonKnight in blue armor named "BellzMoonclaw", that is me ;)**

**I'll be trying to get some more chapters of this out, and possible a humor fic about Online that will be a fun little one-shot. Until next time!**


	37. It's so good to see you again

**Second chapter with my Dragonborn.**

* * *

Finally free of the Ratway underneath Riften, the Dragonborn paused at the edge of the market and turned to Esbern. She was going to ask him if minded stopping at two or maybe five locations for varying reasons on the way to Riverwood.

Most likely yes, he would, but asking was just a courtesy anyway. He had to follow her, after all.

As she opened her mouth to speak, a loud cry from across the marketplace interrupted; "There she is! Kill the Blade's agent!"

The insult didn't make much sense as she wasn't a Blade's agent, but usually when someone was yelling, it was at her.

From across the marketplace Shavari, the suspicious Khajiit that had been harassing her for weeks whenever she was in the city drew a dagger and raced towards her.

Shoppers and storekeepers looking up in alarm or scurried out of the way as she charge, dagger raised.

With a sigh, the Dragonborn opted to pull her swords out, hoping to draw the fight away from all the townspeople that could die.

Esbern overreacted by calling forth a conjured beast and cloaking himself in fire.

"_Really_?" the Dragonborn thought, shooting him a look. "_For one cat lady_?"

Shavari was nearly within striking distance when Edda, the beggar woman, jumped up and jammed her own dagger into Shavari's chest.

The Khajiit fell, dead, at the Dragonborn's feet.

"It's so good to see you again," Edda said, sheathing her dagger.

The Dragonborn blinked. "It's….good to see you too."

Edda merely smiled and went to sit back down on her cot.

The marketplace returned to normal as everyone went about their daily routines.

* * *

**Author's Note: This actually happened. I hadn't really been paying attention to realized that Shavari didn't go into the Ratway with me like she's supposed too, and then afterwards as I'm climbing up the stairs I was like...oh...how odd, no Shavari. And then she's shouting at me and running across the market place. And then she's dead, because Edda the beggar stabbed her.**

**Haha it was awesome. And Edda totally looks at me and says; 'it's so good to see you again'. Don't mess with Bellz the Moonclaw, she's got friends everywhere. Even the beggars are on her side.**

**But apparently, this can happen, where Shavari attacks you in Riften, and I have read that apparently even groups of Thalmor that are supposed to be in the warrens show up in the town during this quest. Who knew.**

**And Esbern LOVES his flame cloak spell...which is annoying for so many reasons...**


	38. With me? What's the matter with you?

**Back to my brother's Dragonborn.**

* * *

The Dragonborn stared at the Dunmer for a long time before formulating his reply.

"You want…five thousand septims?"

Ralis Sedarys sighed. "I know, I know…you could buy a house for that much." He held up his hands in mock surrender. "But I need the money to resurrect the dark lord of destruction."

The Dragonborn tilted his head, giving him an odd look.

Ralis chuckled nervously. "Did I say resurrect the dark lord of destruction? I meant hire more miners."

"Oh, well that seems like a reasonable mistake…" the Dragonborn said, handing over some coins. "I just hope that you don't turn out to be one of those people that suddenly betrays me and tries to kill me. That's been happening a lot lately."

"Hah, of course not. Of course not…" Ralis muttered.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Be sure you read this in Ralis's voice...that droning, makes him creepy, voice.

When you first meet him, he's just annoying, but then it becomes clear he is up to no good. Brother and I always complain when we hand over money to this guy. Ugh!


	39. Suffering the Daedra cause

**Hey all!**

**I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. Time got away from me, so I found this chapter on my laptop and decided to post it. Super silly, hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Depending upon whom you asked, it was either a lovely day in Oblivion, or a horrible day.

Nocturnal's crows were flying about, not being able to land with Barbas running wild around the grounds. He had to mind where he put his paws, though; the 'flooring' in this reality kept changing shape.

The gathered Daedra slowly came together, none too happy about being bothered in the first, let alone to come to an 'assembly' in the first place. It was like an awkward family reunion.

"Sheogorah is late," Hircine pointed out.

Clavicus Vile shrugged. "He's always late. It's fine. If he isn't here, we don't have to listen to him."

"We still have to listen to Herma Mora," Vaermina complained, gesturing over her shoulder to the floating eyeball taking up half the sky. "Who invited him, anyway?"

"The same moron who invited Malacath," Hircine muttered.

Malacath, apparently hearing him, flicked a rude hand gesture his way, but said nothing.

"I brought drinks!" Sanguine announced, appearing out of thin air suddenly.

Peryite rolled his eyes. "Surprise, surprise. It _is_ your thing…"

"Hey!" Sanguine snapped, frowning. "I have other things as well, you know. Like hookers."

"So where are those?" Namira asked coyly, chewing on a bone.

He smirked back at her, "They were worried you were going to eat them,"

"Alright, alright, can we get back on track here?" Mehrunes Dagon called, holding his hands up. "We're here to discuss something in particular."

All his fellow Daedra groaned.

"Who put him in charge?" Malacath grumbled, swiping one of the before offered drinks right out of Peryite's hand. The other Prince glared at him, but said nothing.

"Yeah, who said you get to lead this meeting?" Vaermina agreed.

Mehrunes Dagon snorted. "Um, Oblivion Crisis."

Another round of groans met his statement.

"You always use that!"

"And it didn't even work!"

Molag Bal pointed at himself. "Besides, _I _tried it first."

"So not the same thing!" Mehrunes insisted, glaring at him.

"Didn't work then either,"

"Yeah, big deal…"

Azura stood, "Now, _please_, we did come here to discuss something in particular."

"There's nothing to discuss." Nocturnal cut in. "His soul is mine."

All the Daedra started bickering and trying to talk over everyone else.

"Quiet!" Mephala hissed. Everyone fell silent as the Weaver made an unhappy face. "I hate yelling…but seriously, shut up."

"We have to find a way to logically figure out who gets his soul," Beothiah said. "I mean, it would be great if we could fight to the death over it, but that would be pointless."

"Yeah, and you know some people would cheat." Dagon said, nodding sagely.

Several Daedra sent him flat looks.

Nocturnal crossed her arms. "I refuse to entertain this at all. His soul is mine. He is a Nightingale."

"Did he actually _say_ the oath?" Sanguine asked. "Because he is really good at talking his way out of stuff. Let me tell you. I mean, I know I was drunk when I talked to him, but I'm still not sure how he convinced me to give him my staff."

She opened her mouth, paused, and then looked thoughtful.

"Oh ho!" Mephala whispered. "So you don't have a claim after all!"

"He is _my_ champion!" Meridia suddenly piped up, ball of light shivering in annoyance. As it usually did.

"He's mine too," Hircine gripped. "That apparently means nothing."

"You're just mad he's not a werewolf anymore," Malog Bal taunted, making a sad face at the Father of Manbeasts.

"Well he's not a vampire either, so why are you here?!" Hircine snapped back.

"I have claimed hundreds of souls-" Molag Bal began.

Azura rolled her eyes. "Here we go…"

"-and I shall have his as well!" he finished, rising a fist in the air.

"_Anyway_," Peryite continued. "I'm pretty sure he is all of our champions, which is actually really annoying."

"Is that even allowed?" Malacath asked, reaching for another tankard.

"He hangs our stuff up in his house." Boethiah muttered in annoyance. "That armor was for wearing, not displaying! And too think…"

"He didn't keep _my _artifact," Namira drawled, interrupting the other Daedra. "He killed my worshippers, too!"

They all looked at the woman who had moved on from eating a bone too eating worms out of a cup.

"I can't imagine why…" Mephala said, eyeing her.

"He carries Dawn Breaker!" Meridia insisted again.

Molag Bal rolled his eyes. "And you all tell me _I'm_ the self-centered one. He has my mace. I gave it to him to spread bloodshed and chaos across the world!"

"And…how's that going for you?" Peryite asked.

Malg Bal averted his gaze, looking crestfallen. "….it's hanging on his wall…"

"Does it really matter if he said the oath?" Nocturnal asked, ignoring their conversation. "I mean, he is still a Nightingale."

"Are you asking us, or telling us?" Calvicus Vile said, making a face at her. "Look, by rights pretty much all of us have some claim to his soul. The problem is, who gets it?"

"I do!" a loud obnoxious voice suddenly screeched in Sanguine's ear.

"Ah!" the Daedra said, jumping up. He glared at Sheogorah. "What the-"

The Price of Madness looked around. "Wait, what do I get? What do I win? Who are we talking about?"

Nocturnal pursed her lips. "Oh look, the fool is here."

Sheogorah bowed to her.

"We're discussing who gets-"

"To talk to me?" Sheogorah interrupted. "Why, all of you!"

Vaermina glared at him, "Why are you even here if you don't know who we're talking about?"

"You are so boring. Maybe you need more beauty sleep." He suggested. She narrowed her eyes at him. Sheogorah held up a finger. "I do know who you are talking about, and I like him. He said he liked my suit."

"He was mocking you, fool!" Boethiah snapped.

Sheogorah laughed. "I know! Isn't it great?!"

"Perhaps he should be allowed to choose for himself which one of our realms he would like to give himself too." Azura purposed suddenly.

Mehrunes Dagon stared at her. "Ugh."

"An easy way to settled this is to figure out who's artifact he had first." Hircine said, quickly continuing; "Or, you know…since he has two of mine…"

"He's not yours."

"Says you,"

Mephala looked up, "You are being surprisingly and wonderfully quiet, Hermaeus,"

"I….have….learned," Hermaeus Mora began…..slowly.

Malacath groaned and took another drink.

"That….in the pursuit….of…."

Meridia's ball shook violently. "Just spit it out!"

"He's Dragonborn." Hermaeus Mora said. The first time in his life at a reasonable pace.

"Yes, and…?" Nocturnal prompted impatiently.

Sheogorah starting laughing again.

They ignored him.

"A Dovahkiin…..or Dragonborn….is a mortal….born with the…..soul of a dragon," Hermaeus Mora continued, back to his usual tone. "It enables them….to absorb a slain draogn's….soul, and to receive knowledge…..of the Thu'um….Saint Alessia was the first person….to be considered….Dragonborn."

Nocturnal glared at him. "Yes, yes, we were all there,"

"Get to the point, Herma Mora!" Molag Bal complained.

The eye closed and slowly opened before he started to talk again. "I….have learned…that the soul of a dragon….cannot….be taken….except by…..a Dragonborn."

"Still waiting to know why I care," Mehrunes Dagon complained. "Some of us have take over the world plans to get back too,"

"And souls to steal," Malog Bal seconded.

"And drinking to be done!" Sanguine cut in.

Mermaeus Mora's eye closed and opened again before he continued. "The…Dragonborn has…the soul….of a dragon. His soul…cannot be….claimed….exepct….by another…Dragonborn. Just like…Miraak…."

"Whoa, whoa," Nocturnal said, holding up her hands. "Are you saying the little mortal isn't mortal?"

"He is…Dragonborn…which means-" Herma Mora started.

Hircine interrupted; "Yes, that is exactly what he's saying…I should have figure it out,"

"We all should have figured it," Vaermina complained, crossing her arms.

Molag Bal growled. "I hate not being able to claim souls!"

"You have like, millions. You don't need one more." Clavicus Vile said. "What do you even do with them all?"

Sheogorah laughed. "Ha, ha! I knew all along that his soul couldn't be claimed. Watching you all stress over it has been hilarious!"

"Oh, you didn't know at all," Azura chided. "You're just saying that now."

He wagged a finger at her. "I did too know. I am very smart. And he's like Tiber Septim. Talos. Whatever the heck that guy's name was. You know, I met him once,"

"We all met him!" Malacath snapped. "You're not special!"

Meridia's ball of light floated away. "I'm leaving."

"Me too." Azura agreed.

"I have drinks to drink," Sanguine muttered, disappearing with a flash of darkness.

All the other Daedra followed suit quickly enough.

Calvicus Vile whistled for Barbas, who came running, Nocturnal muttered to herself as she slinked away into the shadows, crows trailing after her.

"I'm going to take over the world first," Molag Bal taunted Mehrunes Dagon.

"No you aren't!"

"Want to bet on it?"

"Yeah!"

Soon, only Sheogorah was left, still babbling on. He looked around. "Ha! I win again since I'm the last one here! Or…something…hmm…I want to go bug someone now…"

* * *

**I have it in my head that whenever the Daedra get together like this they revert to children complaining to one another instead of terrifying creatures of power. Also, Herma Mora. Slowly...talking...**

**My brother is still upset about the Nightingale thing. I agree. All the other Daedra quests you have a choice! And that one they don't let you. So. Annoying.**

**Also, it occurs to me that, if the Dragonborn has the soul of a dragon, wouldn't that make him/her somewhat immortal? In the same way dragons are, where sure they can die, but their souls linger around. And if you are Alduin with his "flesh against time" shout, they can come back!**

**...I'm a nerd. **

**Next time I'll upload a few chapters possibly to make up for the long wait**


	40. Load Screen 4

*Insert fog effect here*

* * *

Dark Elf blood grants 50% resistance to fire. Therefore priests must try twice as hard to burn them upon their death, as is their custom.

* * *

Canis Roots have the alchemy properties of damage stamina and paralysis. Master Neloth should be glad his steward who made him that tea went missing

* * *

You can eat alchemy ingredients to learn their properties, except the small pearl, that is a choking hazard

* * *

**Author's Note: My brother wrote this set! **

**I've always been confused by the Dark Elves burning their dead what with the fire resistance...**


	41. He is the pus in the wound

"Good," Kesh purred. "You have brought this one the ingredients."

The Dragonborn handed them over. "Yeah…about that,"

Kesh paid him no mind and turned to the already foul looking pot of bubbling….something, before tossing the deathbell in—whole.

"Is this safe?" the Dragonborn asked, making a face. "I mean, I do alchemy, I know what deathbells do, and powdered silver, rubies and vampire dust doesn't sound good either."

"The incense is safe for this one," Kesh insisted, dumping the vampire dust in next.

"_This_ one," the Nord hero said, pointing to himself, "is not the same as _this_ one!" He turned his hand to the Khajiit.

The cat man looked puzzled. "Kesh does not understand,"

"You have a tail! I don't!"

Kesh pursed his lips. "You do not have a tail? How odd…Kesh does not see what the problem would be. This one always inhales the fumes and is fine! Sometimes, Kesh mixes skooma with the incense."

The Dragonborn shuddered, "That sounds terrible. Wait, are you high on skooma right now?"

"This one has had skooma today, yes." Kesh said, grinning.

"…How much?"

The khajiit hummed and held up his hands, counting off his fingers only to start over before giving up. "Some."

"Great…"

The cat gestured to the pot. "The incense is ready."

"I'm going to regret this…" the Dragonborn mumbled, stepping up.

At once the world swirled and changed and he grabbed the nearest tree to steady himself. "Oh my gosh…what the hell,"

He could have sworn there was green gas rising from the ground and ghostly skeevers walking towards him.

"_Welcome_," a wispy, disembodied voice said.

The Dragonborn looked around. "Uh…hi? Are you Peryite?"

"_Can't you see me_?" the voice asked, sounding confused.

The hero pointed at the group of skeever ghosts. "Which one of you? Wait, you are one of those, right?"

There was a sigh.

"_Kesh had you inhale that incense, didn't he_?"

"Was I not supposed too?"

Peryite sighed again. "_The incense allows my voice to find it's way to Nirn. You are not required to inhale it. But Kesh often does so, just like he consumes skooma_."

"Yeah, I got that part." The Dragonborn said, still wondering why the world was spinning. "He's high on skooma right now, isn't he?"

"_Yes_," Peryite answered. "_Earlier today he driak six bottles of the liquid and wandered around talking to me even though I was not present_."

"I should have known better then to trust a Khajiit…"

"_Since you're here_…" Peryite said with a tone of conversion.

The Dragonborn rolled his eyes. "You want something. You Daedra always do. What's it this time?"

"_I want you to kill Orchendor, my former servant. He has lost his way, and is_-"

The Dragonborn rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, he pissed you off. I don't see why that's my problem."

Peryite sounded displeased; "_The elf faltered in my_-"

"Wait," the hero said, interrupting again. "He's an elf? I'll bring you his head."

"_Um…alright_." Peryite said, sounding puzzled.

"As soon as I stop seeing ten skeevers…"

* * *

The Dragonborn wandered up the mountain path and spotted Kesh The Clean stirring his pot of boiling poison. A few bottles of skooma were at his feet.

Kesh grinned at him, "This one welcomes you back to Peryite's shrine. Kesh has tried to put skooma in the incense this time. Peryite dances with fire!"

The Dragonborn frowned. "…Sure he does."

Kesh nodded and turned back to the cauldron. "You bring good news, yes?"

"Oh, yeah." He said, holding up a head. "Can you still use that incense to summon mister disease? I brought him the head of Orchender."

Kesh reached out and took the head, looked at it, and promptly dumped it in the pot.

The Dragonborn sighed. "I should have seen that coming…"

* * *

**Author's Note: My brother and I actually acted this out, ha...So sorry for the lack of updates! I was working on some other projects, including an article that actually got published! But I've been missing my stories, so hopefully I'll have some more soon.**


	42. Then they'll contact me and we're off

Brynjolf knew talent when he saw it, and this strange new-comer to Riften looked like just the type of person that would interest the Thieves Guild.

It didn't take much to convince the stranger to join, either, which must have been a good sign.

Finally their luck was turning around.

The test was simple enough, and it would take care of two birds with one stone.

Clearing his throat, Brynjolf called out to the marketplace and held up a red vial. It was actually just filled with water, but they didn't need to know that.

"Come one, come all! I have something special to share with you!"

Everyone turned to look at him. Some excitedly, most with a roll of their eyes. It wasn't the first time he had demanded the attention of the whole marketplace, but this time it was for a good cause.

Brand-Shei, the actual target of this whole plot, sat down on a nearby crate. He shot a skeptical look at Brynjolf. "Come on, Brynjolf... what is it this time?"

"Patience, Brand-Shei. This is a rare opportunity, and I wouldn't want you to get left out." he said calmly, glancing out of the corner of his eye to try and find his new friend.

Madesi scoffed, "That's what you said about the Wisp Essence and it turned out to be crushed nirnroot mixed with water!"

With a sheepish chuckle, Brynjolf waved his free hand in dismissal, speaking quickly to keep the attention of the crowd. "That was a simple misunderstanding, but this item is the real thing. Lads and lasses I give you, Falmerblood Elixir!"

Brand-Shei crossed his arms. "Oh come on, are you talking about the Snow Elves?"

"The one and only."

Madesi scoffed again and muttered some comment under his breath, but more than a few people were intrigued. Brynjolf tried not to look too excited his plan was working.

"Falmer blood elixir! That's right, genuine blood from the Snow Elves themselves! Pure, undiluted-"

"But what does it _do_?" Madesi called out, interrupting.

Good, he still had their attention. Still no sign of his new recruit, but surely it wouldn't take long for him to steal the ring and plant it on Brand-Shei. He'd only need a few moments more of distraction.

"What does it do?" he repeated, sweeping his gaze across the gathered townsfolk. "What does it _do_?! What _doesn't_ it do?!"

"Defeat your enemies with a single blow! Make love like a saber cat! Remember a library's worth of books!"

There was mutterings from the people, but he couldn't tell if it was in interest, or mocking.

"All this, and more, can be yours!" Brynjolf exclaimed, holding the bottle aloof once more. "But wait, there's more!"

He grinned at the few people who perked up at that catch phrase.

"If you buy now, you'll get not just _one_ bottle of Falmer blood elixir, but _two_ bottles! That's right, get the second bottle absolutely free!"

He finally caught sight of the new guy, who was just standing off to the side awkwardly. Making eye contact, he made a "keep going" motion with his hand.

Brynjolf frowned, but quickly returned his attention back to the crowd. How long did it take to steal a ring and plant it on someone?

"How much?" Brand-Shei asked, looking less skeptical then everyone else.

Brynjolf paused. He didn't think he'd actually sell any of it, so he wasn't sure what price.

"For the next minute only, you can get this incredible deal for the low, low, _low_ price of ninety-nine Septims!

Ninety-nine was a good number. It was under one hundred which sounded like a lot. It had a nine in it, so people who were still sore over the whole Talos thing would like it.

"This is a scam!" Madesi said, looking around at the people. "Tell me you all know this! Remember the books last month that _weren't _secret works of Shalidor? Or the 'ebony' swords that were painted steel? Or the-"

Brynjolf talked over him. "Now, Madesi, don't be upset because you don't have these for sale! Those were all unfortunate misunderstandings, this, this is the real thing!"

Seriously, what was taking that guy so long?

"Yeah Madesi, don't be so harsh," Brand-Shei complained, frowning at him.

The lizard man rolled his eyes.

"What if it is a scam?" someone else said.

"How do we know for sure?!" another questioned.

Brynjolf was getting annoyed. For multiple reasons. "Look, it's a great deal. It also grows hair back!"

That spurred the gathering into another round of whispered deliberation amongst themselves.

Brynjolf was saved from further adlibbing by his new recruit popping up next to him from seemly nowhere. Relieved, he sighed and tossed the bottle into the back of his stall. Turning back around, he shouted loudly; "Alright, minutes up. Sale's over. Go home!"

Everyone let out disappointed sounds and started to wander back to their daily routines.

Brynjolf turned to his new friend, about to ask what took so long, when the man shrugged apologetically. "Sorry, I lost the ring."

"Lost….you…you lost the ring?" Brynjolf repeated, dumbfounded.

The market was not that big. How did one lose something that quickly?

If they weren't so desperate for new members, he would have turned this guy back to whatever hole he crawled out of.

"Never mind, just come with me." he said instead.

* * *

"This is the Ragger Flagon, it's the-" Brynjolf was cut off from his tour by the new recruit waving a hand as if he didn't care.

"That's nice," the man said. "Do you have a fence down here?"

"Er…well, of course," Brynjolf said, confused. He gestured to Tonilia.

"Great! Thanks," the man said, nodding happily and sprinting off to see her.

Brynjolf shook his head and sat down at the nearest table, wanting a drink.

"Wow." Vex said, sitting down next to him. "You are the worst at picking new blood."

"Shut up." he muttered sullenly. "We need the membership."

He could just make out their conversation from his table…

"So, you buy stolen crap, right?"

"I'm a fence, obviously."

"Great, I have this silver ring. Seems pretty nice."

"Very good craftsmanship indeed."

Brynjolf narrowed his eyes.

Silver ring….

Silver ring….

There was no way it was…

…Madesi's silver ring, right?

Brynjolf scowled, annoyed and not sure if he should say anything.

Apparently done with fencing his stolen goods, the new comer wandered over, looked around the bar at all the people giving him unfriendly looks, and held up a coin purse.

"Drinks on me!"

Everyone cheered and quickly finished what they were drinking so they could get more. Delvin slammed his mug on the table. "Yes! Best recruit ever!"

Brynjolf pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. Mercer was going to kill him.

He heard someone sit down next to him and he opened one eye to glare at the recruit.

The man smiled at him. "Thanks."

"For?"

The man chuckled, "You'll figure it out when you check your pockets,"

Alarmed, Brynjolf did just that and realized his coin purse was gone. As he turned to strangle the rookie, he realized he had already wandered away, walking backwards.

"Level 30 pickpocket, Brynjolf!" he called before his voice disappeared into the din of partying.

Yes.

Mercer was going to kill him.

* * *

**Author's Note:** **Hey everyone! I've been meaning to upload this for sages, but kept forgetting/been busy. But here it is.**

**Yes, you can totally tell Brynjolf you lost the ring, but you actually have to drop it out of your inventory. However, that being said, it will remain wherever you drop it, so you can totally go pick it back up and then sell it later...hehehe**

**Also, I wanted Brand-Shei in the marketplace so I could still sell him things. Purely self-serving...so I dropped the ring right in front of Brynjolf and was like...oh noes! And...I did pickpocket him while he was trying to sell his fake elixir. Because I felt like it was the 'right' thing to do.**

**In other news...the PS3 my brother and I share has met it's doom...with our Skyrim disc inside...**

**The silver lining of this is of course that Skyrim HD is being released, and I can download in on my PS4. I'll have to start over, but that probably just means more of these little snippets!**

**I'm going to be busy the next few weeks, so stories are probably on-hold. We'll see what happens. I have a few in the works besides this, as well.**


	43. Like a novice picking an impossible lock

**Whew, August was a busy, busy month! I didn't have a lot of time to write, so I wanted to finish this short up that I'd had sitting on my computer. It gets me back in the swing of things!**

**PS. I'm so excited for Skyrim HD...and so annoyed our Skyrim Disc broke! At least I can get a replacement...hehehe**

* * *

The Dragonborn held up the Skeleton Key to examine it. "Hmm….unbreakable, huh?"

* * *

"Jorids, have you seen my pestle?" the Dragonborn asked his wife, looking around the room.

She shrugged, "No, but it could be in those barrels of garbag-I mean _collections_ that you have,"

"I can't do alchemy without it!" he complained. "I need to make a bunch of potions I'll never use and forget to take to the market to sell!"

He sighed, distressed, and then pulled the Skeleton Key from his inventory. "Oh, wait…"

He used the blunt end to pound mushrooms into the mortar. "Never mind, this works…"

* * *

"I wonder how Mercer used this to open these doors," the Dragonborn wondered aloud, staring at the ancient Nord door before him, Skeleton Key in one hand and the matching claw in the other.

"All well," he said, tossing the Key into the track and inserting the claw. The doors spun, grinding against the key with a high pitched squealing noise. The door didn't open.

"Oh, must not be that combination…" the Dragonborn said, shrugging. "Only a few more to try!"

Gregor gave him an odd look. "You know the code is _on_ the claw, right?"

"Shhhh…." he hushed, pushing the door again and grinning as it crunched against the Key some more.

* * *

"I can't get this lock!" the Dragonborn exclaimed, wrenching the Skeleton Key at an odd angle against the lock.

"That's because that isn't locked," Rayya pointed out, looking at him strangely.

"Oh, it isn't?" he said, feigning surprise and still jamming the Key into the slot. "How odd…"

* * *

Sophie ran up to him "Papa! I want to play fetch with Meeko. What can I use in the house?"

He handed her the Skeleton Key. "Here, use this."

"Oh, this is cool. Thanks, Papa!" she ran off.

* * *

The Dragonborn grunted as he landed hard against the ground after jumping from two ledges up. "Ow…." It was a good thing he had enchanted armor to extend his health.

His eyes lit up. "Iron ore!"

He pulled out his pickaxe, paused, looked at it, and grinned. He put it back and pulled out the Skeleton Key. "Time to mine some ore…"

* * *

Honeyside wasn't a bad house, it was just unfortunately located in Riften, and housed Iona. The Dragonborn didn't dislike Iona, he just wished she'd stop eating him out of house and home.

Presently she was picking some bread out of her teeth after yet another meal.

"Oh, use this," the Dragonborn insisted, handing her the Skeleton Key. "I insist."

* * *

"Hey Lydia," the Dragonborn said as the woman peered suspiciously at some mammoths in the distance. "I know you're going to run down there and disturb them, so do me a favor."

He held out the Skeleton Key. "Make sure they step on this, alright?"

* * *

The entire basement was filled with the pounding sound of hammer on anvil, yet still the Skelton Key wouldn't break. It didn't even dent.

"Honor to you my Thane!"

Startled, the Dragonborn looked up to see Valdmir wandered around. He frowned, confused. "Valdmir, what are you doing in this house?"

The man didn't reply right away and the Dragonborn shrugged, handing over the hammer. "Nevermind. Just take a couple of whacks at this, would you? I'm getting tired…"

* * *

The Dragonborn held the Skeleton Key aloof in the air. "Everyone, I want you to know that after extensive testing, I have come to the conclusion that this Daedric artifact is, in fact, unbreakable!"

The members of the Thieves Guild barely even acknowledged his presence in the Ragger Flagon. Except Karliah, who slapped a hand to her face in mortification.

* * *

**My brother and I once discussed all the ways we could test if the Skeleton Key was truly unbreakable...and he often sits on the lock picking screen with it tilted the wrong way, shaking, as if it's going to break because he is still sore over being forced into Nocturnal's service.**

**As a note, Valdmir and Gregor are always ended up in the wrong houses...once I was playing and I got up at like 2am and Valdmir is creepily standing in my main room, staring at my bedroom door. I'm like, what...? **

**And Iona is always freaking eating. Always.**

**I'm working on some other stories, updates, and so on. One is an Elder Scrolls story that is 3 parts humor, 1 part serious and is turning out to be...very long. Hopefully it'll be finished soon!**


	44. Rare trinkets and the finest oddities

Hi all! A double update for you since it's been a little bit.

There is a swear word in this, but it's too good to pass up, so...;)

* * *

Riften's marketplace was surprisingly lively as the Dragonborn trudged into town, dragging a bag full of assorted bandit gear behind him.

His follower had vanished up the road a little ways, probably stuck between two rocks.

The Dragonborn was in Riften for actual reasons, but first things first in a new town; selling stuff.

The first stall he stopped in front of was owned by a Dark Elf who offered a rousing opening line; "Can I interest you in any fine goods from Morrowind?"

"No," the Deagonborn said, "However I can offer you some fine goods from corpses,"

The Dark Elf nodded as he began sorting through some of the goods placed in front of him. "Hmm…well, I'm sure we can work something out. But first I'm sure you are curious about why a Dark Elf has such a strange name."

"What?" the Dragonborn said, making a face. "No, not at all. I don't even know what your name is."

"Brand-Shei," the Dunmer supplied. "I may be dark elf by birth, but I was raised Argonian. Through reasons I'm still trying to discover, I ended up orphaned then taken in by a kindly Argonian family in Black Marsh. I hope one day to find out what happened to me... how I ended up like that."

The Dragonborn waited until he trailed off and nodded. "Fascinating. I, too, was raised by Argonians. They gave me the name 'Gives-No-Shits'. Now, can you buy my stuff or what?"

Brand-Shei was giving him a look, as if he wasn't sure what to make of the comment. Likely he was trying to figure out if he was serious or not.

Finally he just sighed. "I pay fair prices for all sorts of goods."

* * *

**Author's Note: My brother and I were actually playing Elder Scrolls Online the other day and some quest giver NPC annoyed me, so I made the "Gives-No-Shits" joke and my brother thought it was pretty good. I had to put it into something.**


	45. Keepin' the palace clean ain't easy work

Ulfric Stromcloak wandered into the throne room of the Palace of the Kings and stopped, surveying the room with a frown.

There was food, silverware and plates scattered everywhere _but_ the table in the center. One of the guards near the door was standing on a plate, and a venison roast had ended up on the throne.

Jorleif was working extremely slowly to pick it all up.

"I see the Dragonborn was here." Ulfric commented.

* * *

**Come on, who doesn't go into the Palace of the Kings and either shout everything off that long table or run on top of said table and knock it off? Also once I goaded my brother into dumping a TON of food on Ulfric's throne. He came in, sat down, and it all shifted awkwardly and he ended up sitting in food with an Ash Hopper Leg sticking out of his head.**

**Ah. Good times...**


	46. I've been looking for you

**In honor of Skyrim Remastered, which I will be playing in about 30 minutes and all weekend. Hehehehe**

* * *

The trio of Thalmor agents approached the cavern's entrance with purposeful steps, stopping once they were at the threshold of shadow and rock.

The Dragonborn is inside," the lead Altmer declared, glaring into the darkness. "We shall wait here and ambush him when he comes out!"

The other two agents nodded in agreement with the Justiciar.

An hour later, they had built a small campfire and were sitting around it, irritated.

"What could he possibly be doing inside that takes this long!" one complained, glancing back at the cavern.

"Should we go inside and track him down?" the other asked.

The Justiciar shook his head. "No. We wait. He will leave and we will strike."

They waited again, falling into silence, until a twig snapped in the thicket of trees nearby. They all jumped to their feet, weapons and magic at the ready.

A group of robed, masked figures stepped out of the trees and paused, looking the Thalmor up and down.

"Who are you?" both groups asked at the same time.

The Thalmor leader looked them over once more in disgust. "We answer to no one."

"Well, neither do we!" the apparent leader of the other group retorted.

More bushes moved and they turned to look as another group of three stepped forward, into the light of the fire. This group was dressed in mismatched armors and weapons.

"Huh? Who the hell are you?" one of them asked, looking around.

The Altmer heaved a sigh. "This is ridiculous. We answer to no one, _you_ shall answer _us_!"

"Can it, Elf," one of the new comers dismissed. "We're here to fulfill a contract on some guy named the Dragon something or other."

"Hired thugs?" the Thalmor replied, less than impressed. "I think not. We are here to stop the heretic Dragonborn, thus, _we_ will kill him first."

"The heretic?" one of the masked people said, a woman by the sound of her voice. She stepped forward. "We, too, are here to stop this false Dragonborn!"

"Really? Because that's why I'm here!"

The new voice, an Argonian by the sound of it, came from the darkness and they turned to look at him. He was swaying on his feet unsteadily.

This guy, the dragon guy, he totally owes me monies!"

Everyone looked at him in disgust.

"And who the hell are you?!" one of the hired thugs exclaimed, clearly annoyed.

"Deep-In-His-Cups," the Argonian replied, shrugging largely.

The Justiciar pinched the bridge is his nose, "Oh, by Auri-El…."

"Wow, I have never heard such a stupid name," a thug muttered, shaking his head.

Deep-In-His-Cups waved his hand in a dismissal motion. "Whatever," he slurred. "I jus' want meh monies,"

"_Speaking_ of money," the leader of the hired thugs said, glaring at everyone present. "Dragonborn is ours, we have a contract out on him."

"Interesting, so do I."

Once again, the assembled group turned to look towards the new voie as a hooded figure slinked from the shadows. "The sacrament has been performed, the contract paid for. Someone wants this poor fool dead."

"Oh, go find some other person to kill, Morag Tong wannabe," one of the robed people said. "We are here to defend the honor of our master and patron, the true Dragonborn."

"I can't even tell what Daedra you worship, that's how terrible your cultist robes are," one of the other Altmer said, sniffing. "Have some dignity."

The cultist gasped. "What?! How dare you!"

A man run up and looked around, "I'm looking for the Dragonborn? I've got a letter to deliver. His hands only."

"He's not here!" several people snapped.

The courier frowned, clearly insulted.

"Excuse me, is the Dragonborn here?" a woman's voice asked, slinking from the shadows as the assassin had before. She, however, had glowing red eyes and a rather revealing red dress.

"Heeeeey," Deep-In-His-Cups said, eyeing her.

One of the cultist pushed him out of the way. "And you are?"

"A vampire, with orders from our lord to dispose of the menace that is the Dragonborn," she answered smoothly.

"Get in line," a thug muttered, crossing his arms.

"Did I hear you were here for the Dragonborn?" yet another voice said. A man approached the group dressed in mage's robes. "I'm looking for him too. I want to challenge his magic skills!"

"Me too!" a younger voice said, appearing next to the other. "But, not challenge him. I want to learn from him. He is the Archmage, after all."

"This is ridiculous!" several voices shouted.

A magical appraiation suddenly wavered into place in the campfire, displaying a golden robed man that looked around in confusion. "Is…the Dragonborn here? I'm part of Psijic Order and I need to talk to him."

"Yeah, we all do!"

"We were here first!"

"I need his blood!"

"I need it more!"

"I just need to give him this letter,"

"If I have to go through you to get to him, I will!"

The Psijic frowned, "Hmm…I'll come back later." He vanished.

The Thalmor spoke up in his most powerful voice. "Enough! We arrived first with orders to kill him. We shall be the ones to do it."

"Sithis orders his death," the Dark Brotherhood agent said, drawing twin daggers. "I will follow my orders."

"Sithis isn't even a real god," one of the other Thalmor snapped.

"Why, because you don't think so?" one of the hired thugs said. "He can worship whoever he wants too!"

"Indeed! We worship the might of our master, Miraak, the true Dragonborn!" the cultist leader announced.

The Justiciar narrowed his eyes. "Miraak is a man, and its' immoral to worship a man,"

"Says you,"

"What're you going to do about it?"

"I just want to deliver this letter!"

"I just want my money!"

The Thalmor conjured an antronach, "Your all heretics! Thus, you will all die a heretics death!"

The cave's entrance erupted into utter chaos of shouting, magic, and the clash of weapons.

* * *

"Well, another cave down." The Dragonborn announced, looking around. "Wow, the alternate, fast exit let me out on the complete other side of the mountain! How interesting….well, I guess it's time to head home."

* * *

**Author's Note: How DO all these people always find the Dragonborn?**

**I had so much fun with this...I still feel like I'm forgetting people that randomly show up bugging you about stuff or trying to kill you, or whatever...**

**Skyrim Remastered! Who else is playing?**

**Probably means I'll have some new ideas for chapters, too. ;)**


	47. I think your a heretic

**Sorry for the long wait, but here is another chapter with my Dragonborn! I've been playing Skyrim and Elder Scrolls Online a lot lately...hehe.**

* * *

The air was turning colder with each step as they trekked northeast towards the often mentioned Kynesgrove.

Delphine kept a brisk pace, despite stopping occasionally for no apparent reason.

She really was paranoid with how she kept looking up and down the roads.

"I doubt the Thalmor know about you yet," Delphine commented suddenly.

The Dragonborn paused in the road and made a face. "Yeah…is this is a bad time to mention to _this_?"

She produced a letter from her pack and held it up.

Delphine eyed the other blonde suspiciously. "What is it?"

"Oh," the Dragonborn said, grinning. "It's a Judicial execution order from the Thalmor, with my name on it."

"What?" Delphine exclaimed, snatching it from her hand and reading it.

The Dragonborn scratched her cheek, "Yeah, just dawned on me that _might_ be bad if we want to do any undercover or covert things…"

"How did you get this?" Delphine asked, giving her a look. "What exactly did you do to make yourself a target?"

"Nothing much, really," the Breton Dragonborn said, shrugging. "I just kill every Thalmor agent I see along the road and leave their corpses for all to see. I guess I've killed a lot."

Delphine sighed. "Well, this may complicate things...I guess we're both wanted women, then."

"Eh," the Dragonborn said, waving a hand to dismiss the comment. "I wouldn't worry too much. The Dark Brotherhood and some random cultist are after me too, and so far, I'm still alive!"

Delphine rolled her eyes.

* * *

**I don't consider a Skyrim game complete unless you have a Judicial Execution Order. ;) The moment Delphine said "I don't think the Thalmor know about you yet" on the way to Kynesgrove I winced while palying and was like...soooo about that...is this going to be a problem?**

**I'm hoping to have some more chapters written and uploaded throughout this week.**

**Also, if you want to read these in Spanish, reader567 has graciously offered to translate! You can find it here: s/12212885/1/Skyrim-LOL-Traducci%C3%B3n**

**And I encourage everyone to check out my other Elder Scrolls fanfic, "The Story of Steve." It will be 3-parts, and is mostly humor based with a little serious twist to it. Part 1 is all that's up at the moment, but I'm working on the rest.**

**Happy New Year!**


	48. I like living herethe lake is so pretty

Lakeview Manor was a beautiful masterpiece of a structure, and the area surrounding it was equally as stunning.

The Dragonborn sighed, looking up at the clear skies.

"What a lovely day, I think I'll actually stay home for more than two seconds," she announced.

Before her traveling buddies could give their predictable, yet nevertheless humorous, comments about that statement, voice could be heard.

From the sound of it, someone, or a group of someone's, were approaching the house from the incline, muttering about something or other.

The Dragonborn frowned, drawing her bow and arming an arrow. She never got friendly visitors.

"It's never just neighbors bringing cookies by," she muttered, annoyed.

Carefully stepping towards the sounds, she saw them almost at the same moment they saw her.

A group of obvious bandits that shouted and then spilt up, running every direction. One went down with an arrow between the eyes, even as another slipped by her.

But Jordis was there and with a cry smashed her shield into him until he, too, fell with a half-cried plead for mercy.

The leader, a fierce woman in heavy armor was engaged with Steve.

"I will feast," he intoned, "on your heart!"

Jordis moved in to help even as an arrow winged the Dargonborn's arm.

Right. The fourth guy.

She wiped around to glare at him, annoyed more than hurt. The leader fell to her friends and the archer looked around, eyes wide.

He bolted into the house.

"What the…!" the Dragonborn exclaimed. "Hey! Get back here! That's my house!"

Both Jordis and Steve were closer and rushed inside, disappearing from sight.

"Oh, that can't end well….Wait, you guys! It's one guy! Wait!"

She rushed inside and entered a house full of shouting. The girls were yelling insults at the bandit, the dog was barking, and Rayya, Jordis, Balimund and Steve were all trying to get a hit on the bandit.

Instead, they were liable to destroy her house.

"_Hey!_" she shouted, putting some Thu'um into it. "Not in the house!"

The bandit realized he was out numbered and fled, running to the back of the house screaming; "Victory is yours! I submit!"

Steve took off running after him, great sword raised in the air. "You cannot hide, mortal!"

All the food on the table was knocked to the ground, there was a crash from the back room and then an extra loud crash from the bottom floor of the Alchemy lab.

"There can be no other end," was heard before everything fell silent.

A moment later, Steve ran back to the group, grinning and promptly holding up a head.

The Dragonborn frowned. "…Yeah, great job, you only destroyed half the house. Also, you're getting blood on my floor,"

The Dremora deflated and kicked at the flooring. "Sorry."

She sighed, "Its' fine, whatever. Let's just see if these guys had anything good on them,"

In a flurry of purple lights, the spell binding Steve to Nirn ended and he faded from existence. Jordis crossed her arms. "He never helps with the heavy lifting…"

The Dragonborn grinned, until another crash was heard from the kitchen.

"Meeko!" she snapped. "Ugh, I swear…"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Whew! Long time no write! I'm sorry about that. I've been super busy, including getting a new laptop which didn't have Word right away, so had to wait a bit. But I'm back now!

This chapter...really happened in my game. You should have heard me yelling at my TV "Not in the house!" Because yes, Steve (That's the Dremora Lord summon, I...named them all...) knocked over EVERYTHING on the way to get that guy...one guy! And Meeko (the dog I adopted because it's sad he's all along,) is just as bad. He is constantly knocking stuff off shelves.

I was going to wait to post this until after The Story of Steve was complete, but I wanted too now, so...here you go!

Also, speaking of the Dremora Lord spell, Skyrim Remastered totally changed a couple of things and I totally approve. Before when you conjured him he would go after whatever the closest red dot was, no questions asked. Now, he still does that, but if I'm suddenly hit, he abandons his quarry and charges after whoever injured me. It's happened a couple of times and is actually pretty cool, especially with the narrative I'm working on.

Also, he pulls "Seranas" now, IE: interacts with the world. I was in a tavern and all of a sudden he walks in front of me (he always just stands there awkwardly!) and goes over and starts Drunk Clapping to the bard and I'm like...WTF? I laughed so much...I need to see if I can have it happen again.

Hopefully I'll have some new chapters soon!

PS. To the Guest reviewer who asked what difficult I play on, I leave it on the default, which I believe is Adept? I honestly forget you can change it. (I couldn't write you back in a PM since it was a guest review :) )


	49. You're needed

The Dragonborn wandered up the pathway, towards the ominous looking pillar at the top. Behind him, Ralis Sedarys blathered on about one thing or another, grating on every last nerve.

"My, what a disturbing looking pillar," the dark elf commented, staring at the pillar, hands on his hips.

The Dragonborn nodded, "Yeah...hey, can you do me a favor? Could you go there and touch it?"

Ralis shrugged, "I suppose..."

The moment his fingertips touched the twisted metal and wood, he was pulled towards it by magicka, instantly becoming trapped. "Wait...what's going on?!"

The Dragonborn pulled out his sword; "Who needs five thousand Septims now!?"

"I don't want to die!" Ralis cried.

The Dragonborn scowled, "Well, you should have thought about that before making me pay you so much just to fight a Dragon Priest!"

"I said sorry for that!"

"Not as sorry as you're going to be," The Dragonborn snapped.

"But you hate Daedra!" the Dunmer pleaded.

"Yeah, well, I hate losing money more,"

* * *

**Author's Note: This Boethiah quest is one I always ponder; who do I kill? Most of the followers that survive the quests survive because I like them, so now I have to kill one? But then it hit me; Ralis Sedarys. While yes, he was under mind control, he doesn't seem terribly remorseful for the whole thing, doesn't give me back my money and you know, he's annoying.**

**I told me brother my plan to use him during this quest, to which he said; "Wait, you can leave him alive and he becomes a follower?" **

**So, now he is copying me and doing the same thing. It's poetic, anyway.**

**"You want...5,000 Septims?"**


End file.
